Dream
They say, a dream is a wish your heart makes.
And that's what you are:
A dream.
The kind of dream that you wish you would never wake up from.
Like a warm cup of tea in a cold rainy day.
Like a good book you never want to put down.
Like a fire that illuminates the dark.
But just like every dream, I will have to wake up one day.
And when I do,
You will always be my favourite what if.
My favourite cup of tea.
My favourite book.
My favourite fire.
Mine.
22/11/2018
And that's what you are:
A dream.
The kind of dream that you wish you would never wake up from.
Like a warm cup of tea in a cold rainy day.
Like a good book you never want to put down.
Like a fire that illuminates the dark.
But just like every dream, I will have to wake up one day.
And when I do,
You will always be my favourite what if.
My favourite cup of tea.
My favourite book.
My favourite fire.
Mine.
22/11/2018
As The Clock Ticks By
There was a time in the past when you greeted me with so much passion but as the clock ticks by more and more of your words become empty.
There was a time in the past when the mere sight of me made you smile, but as the clock ticks by I have become more of a frustration to you.
There was a time in the past when i will always be spoiled with your serenades, but as the clock ticks by the song turned into hums and the hums turned into silence.
There was a time in the past when you made me feel like a jewel, but as the clock ticks by it seemed as though you have left me in a box to be forgotten.
There was a time in the past when we were perfect for each other, but as the clock ticks by it has become more apparent that it is time to start a new chapter.
26/10/18
There was a time in the past when the mere sight of me made you smile, but as the clock ticks by I have become more of a frustration to you.
There was a time in the past when i will always be spoiled with your serenades, but as the clock ticks by the song turned into hums and the hums turned into silence.
There was a time in the past when you made me feel like a jewel, but as the clock ticks by it seemed as though you have left me in a box to be forgotten.
There was a time in the past when we were perfect for each other, but as the clock ticks by it has become more apparent that it is time to start a new chapter.
26/10/18
Once.
There was once a lady who loved.
She had so much love to give that she freely gave it to any creature she came upon.
She gave a little love to the wilted flower on the side of the street,
She gave a little love to the lonely old lady whose husband just passed,
She gave a little love to the stray cat she found with only three legs,
She gave, gave, and gave.
One day,
A young man moved into her hometown.
He was tall with a skin complexion as dark as her favorite chocolate,
And a body that is built for hard labour.
He was handsome to say the least.
One fine morning,
The young man approached the lady who was out in the park,
“Hello there, my lady.” he greeted the lady with a smile on his face.
“Hello, how may I help you today?” the lady responded cheerfully.
“I heard you like to give love to all of the creatures you came across.” he stated.
The lady smiled and said “Yes! Would you like a hug?”
The young man nodded and the lady went for a hug.
Once she was in his embrace he struck the lady’s back with a knife.
She screamed in pain and tried to push him away.
But he was too strong and he pushed the knife deeper.
Her vision started to blur and her body became limp.
“Why?” she managed to say faintly.
“I’m never good with sharing, for when I laid eyes on you I knew I wanted you all to myself. All of your love, just for me.”
There was once a lady who loved.
She had so much love to give that she freely gave it to any creature she came upon.
She gave a little love to the wilted flower on the side of the street,
She gave a little love to the lonely old lady whose husband just passed,
She gave a little love to the stray cat she found with only three legs,
She gave, gave, and gave.
Until a man came and took it all.
2 June 2018
She had so much love to give that she freely gave it to any creature she came upon.
She gave a little love to the wilted flower on the side of the street,
She gave a little love to the lonely old lady whose husband just passed,
She gave a little love to the stray cat she found with only three legs,
She gave, gave, and gave.
One day,
A young man moved into her hometown.
He was tall with a skin complexion as dark as her favorite chocolate,
And a body that is built for hard labour.
He was handsome to say the least.
One fine morning,
The young man approached the lady who was out in the park,
“Hello there, my lady.” he greeted the lady with a smile on his face.
“Hello, how may I help you today?” the lady responded cheerfully.
“I heard you like to give love to all of the creatures you came across.” he stated.
The lady smiled and said “Yes! Would you like a hug?”
The young man nodded and the lady went for a hug.
Once she was in his embrace he struck the lady’s back with a knife.
She screamed in pain and tried to push him away.
But he was too strong and he pushed the knife deeper.
Her vision started to blur and her body became limp.
“Why?” she managed to say faintly.
“I’m never good with sharing, for when I laid eyes on you I knew I wanted you all to myself. All of your love, just for me.”
There was once a lady who loved.
She had so much love to give that she freely gave it to any creature she came upon.
She gave a little love to the wilted flower on the side of the street,
She gave a little love to the lonely old lady whose husband just passed,
She gave a little love to the stray cat she found with only three legs,
She gave, gave, and gave.
Until a man came and took it all.
2 June 2018
Void.
In this dark hole I am once again alone.
The figure that used to be next to me has left.
My hand is no longer held.
It hurts more when you used to have company.
When you used to have constant reassurance.
When you used to be able to share the burden.
I guess it’s true that no one will stay until the end.
No matter what they say, no matter what they promised…
It’s better not to listen, it’s better not to trust.
For no one will stick by you.
No one will tend you.
Everlasting love? Nonsense.
21 December 2017
The figure that used to be next to me has left.
My hand is no longer held.
It hurts more when you used to have company.
When you used to have constant reassurance.
When you used to be able to share the burden.
I guess it’s true that no one will stay until the end.
No matter what they say, no matter what they promised…
It’s better not to listen, it’s better not to trust.
For no one will stick by you.
No one will tend you.
Everlasting love? Nonsense.
21 December 2017
Realization.
I've loved every single one of them.
And boy did I love.
I was always the hopeless romantic,
So I was determined to shower them with all my love.
I gave every single one a piece of my heart...
But I never get it back.
Every single one claimed that they loved me.
Yet every single one crushed the piece that I gave them.
Hollow.
That's what I am now.
18 May 2017.
And boy did I love.
I was always the hopeless romantic,
So I was determined to shower them with all my love.
I gave every single one a piece of my heart...
But I never get it back.
Every single one claimed that they loved me.
Yet every single one crushed the piece that I gave them.
Hollow.
That's what I am now.
18 May 2017.
The Rose.
He brought me home one day and I felt so lucky that he picked me.
In the first month he regularly watered me with a sprinkle of love and affection.
He made sure that I've got all the nutrients I needed.
I grew big in no time, and it was all because of him.
I bloomed magnificently.
But nowadays I can tell he's growing weary.
Don't get me wrong, he still waters me--but the water feels different...like it was only stale water.
My petals started to fall off from the lack of nutrients.
Though I can feel it in my stem that I'm holding on to all of my petals like my life depends on it.
I know for a fact that I'm doing this because I'm scared that he'll just discard me if I lose them all.
It's hurting me.
This is hurting me.
My roots are overworked to the point that it's numb... they've been trying to find all the remaining vitamins in the soil and used that to survive.
I miss my loving human.
The person that comes and water me now feels like a stranger.
He's trying to keep me alive, but ironically he's killing me slowly.
16 April 2017
In the first month he regularly watered me with a sprinkle of love and affection.
He made sure that I've got all the nutrients I needed.
I grew big in no time, and it was all because of him.
I bloomed magnificently.
But nowadays I can tell he's growing weary.
Don't get me wrong, he still waters me--but the water feels different...like it was only stale water.
My petals started to fall off from the lack of nutrients.
Though I can feel it in my stem that I'm holding on to all of my petals like my life depends on it.
I know for a fact that I'm doing this because I'm scared that he'll just discard me if I lose them all.
It's hurting me.
This is hurting me.
My roots are overworked to the point that it's numb... they've been trying to find all the remaining vitamins in the soil and used that to survive.
I miss my loving human.
The person that comes and water me now feels like a stranger.
He's trying to keep me alive, but ironically he's killing me slowly.
16 April 2017
Farewell.
Tick tock tick tock...
My time is running out.
And as I pack my bags, I know I am not just leaving the country, I am leaving you--us as well.
Stilled beings in frames is what would be left of us.
No more warmth.
No more skin on skin.
Just fading memories of what is supposed to be.
Odd...
I swear I can still feel you near me.
You, disguised as the blowing wind that gently runs through my hair.
You, masked as the warmth of the blanket that cuddles me at night.
You, covered up as the flowers that provide colours to my day.
Almost like you're a ghostly being that only I can feel.
If one day we cross each other's path again,
Let's lay down on fresh grass, with my head on your chest, and your arm around me--like you're scared to let me go again.
But until then,
This is the way we part,
No proper closure,
No happy ending.
15 August 2016
My time is running out.
And as I pack my bags, I know I am not just leaving the country, I am leaving you--us as well.
Stilled beings in frames is what would be left of us.
No more warmth.
No more skin on skin.
Just fading memories of what is supposed to be.
Odd...
I swear I can still feel you near me.
You, disguised as the blowing wind that gently runs through my hair.
You, masked as the warmth of the blanket that cuddles me at night.
You, covered up as the flowers that provide colours to my day.
Almost like you're a ghostly being that only I can feel.
If one day we cross each other's path again,
Let's lay down on fresh grass, with my head on your chest, and your arm around me--like you're scared to let me go again.
But until then,
This is the way we part,
No proper closure,
No happy ending.
15 August 2016
Disclosure.
There was once this man I've loved with all of my heart. He was kind, he was witty, and he's everything that I have ever wanted. He has helped me became who I am today—a much stronger individual. He's always been there for me, through thick and thin. Until one day he decided to let me go.
To this day I still am trying to come up with reasons for his departure. Was I too sensitive? Was I too clingy? But if I did something wrong, why is he still here every now and then?
I thought to myself, maybe if I try building a home for him—a place where he could comeback and recharge—he would see that no matter what, I never changed. I still loved him. But 6 months in, I realised that in doing this… I give him a little piece of me every time and I was left—ultimately—broken.
It's not until recently when I saw him dancing intimately with another woman that it hit me: he's never going to stay home if he still has places to go. It didn't hurt—mind you. At this point nothing could hurt me anymore. But it sucked the life out of me. It's like he took all of the possible emotions I could possibly feel and stored it in a jar—away from me and I was left numb.
I am still numb.
Even now, a part of me would still take him back in a heartbeat, but this time I am going to try and listen to the voice of reason in me. For how long am I going to build this house on my own? I deserve someone who would build the house with me.
So, Sayang, as hard as it is for me, I have to let you go, because you've let me go.
I've become aware that I have bruised myself for nothing—because I have been holding on so tight to nothing. But know that you were my everything.
10 June 2016
To this day I still am trying to come up with reasons for his departure. Was I too sensitive? Was I too clingy? But if I did something wrong, why is he still here every now and then?
I thought to myself, maybe if I try building a home for him—a place where he could comeback and recharge—he would see that no matter what, I never changed. I still loved him. But 6 months in, I realised that in doing this… I give him a little piece of me every time and I was left—ultimately—broken.
It's not until recently when I saw him dancing intimately with another woman that it hit me: he's never going to stay home if he still has places to go. It didn't hurt—mind you. At this point nothing could hurt me anymore. But it sucked the life out of me. It's like he took all of the possible emotions I could possibly feel and stored it in a jar—away from me and I was left numb.
I am still numb.
Even now, a part of me would still take him back in a heartbeat, but this time I am going to try and listen to the voice of reason in me. For how long am I going to build this house on my own? I deserve someone who would build the house with me.
So, Sayang, as hard as it is for me, I have to let you go, because you've let me go.
I've become aware that I have bruised myself for nothing—because I have been holding on so tight to nothing. But know that you were my everything.
10 June 2016
A Fight With Myself.
I awoke from my slumber as the morning sun softly tickles my skin. By habit I turned to my side and sleepily mouth the words 'Good Morning'. A ritual that always made my heart sank a little bit the moment I realised you're not there.
It's been roughly 5 months since we departed. But I still miss you every single day. I still imagine your strong arms wrapped around me, and I swore I can still feel your breath on my neck.
Maybe they were right, maybe I am delusional.
But alas...
I kept telling myself it was for the best. I can't depend on you. You can't be my saviour.
I have to be mine.
Though I still long for your kisses. I still need to be in your embrace...
You see, this is exactly my train of thought everyday.
Constantly going back and forth of wanting things to go back the way it used to be versus knowing that it is over and I have to pack my things and go.
I fight myself everyday.
And I drift further away from being in peace.
My mind is my biggest enemy.
I am my own mountain.
7 May 2016
It's been roughly 5 months since we departed. But I still miss you every single day. I still imagine your strong arms wrapped around me, and I swore I can still feel your breath on my neck.
Maybe they were right, maybe I am delusional.
But alas...
I kept telling myself it was for the best. I can't depend on you. You can't be my saviour.
I have to be mine.
Though I still long for your kisses. I still need to be in your embrace...
You see, this is exactly my train of thought everyday.
Constantly going back and forth of wanting things to go back the way it used to be versus knowing that it is over and I have to pack my things and go.
I fight myself everyday.
And I drift further away from being in peace.
My mind is my biggest enemy.
I am my own mountain.
7 May 2016
Us |
Deathbed |
Last night you visited me in my dreams again.
But this time, you are also there when I awoke. Your arms still around me, keeping me safe and warm...like it used to. Every now and then, you would come back to me. Like an adventurer visiting his hometown. And everytime, without fail, you would treat me like I was still yours. And you were still mine. You would pull me into your embrace. Your lips would leave traces on my forehead and cheeks. Whenever you're here with me, it feels like I have entered a bubble sans worries. From time to time, I would wonder why you ended it. When in reality you still come back to me every now and then. Giving me pecks on the lips and a shoulder to rest upon. My feelings for you stayed the same. Though I did not let you know this. To you, I have moved on. To you, I have recovered. Three months have passed since we were supposed to part. Three days since you last phoned me. Three hours since the last time your lips were on mine. Two different people. Two different hearts. Two different fates. One can beat on its own One only beats for the other. 21 April 2016 |
I have spent 104 days so far sitting on this bench. It's getting cold now, and I shiver every now and then...not that it matters. Life is no longer an exciting place for me.
I have given up looking for the remaining pieces of what is supposed to be my heart. I'm too tired to get up and find them and it hurts too much whenever I have to stitch it back together, piece by piece. You would come every now and then. Sitting next to me and sometimes even offering your shoulder for me to lean on. But you never leave empty handed; you would tear a piece of me and keep it. Like you need it to keep me sired to you. I tell myself that it is alright to walk away. If I mattered, you wouldn't have left me at the first place. But I always find myself giving in, and running back to the bench--clinging to it like a child to its mother. Lifeless, weak, and numb. That is who I am now. I have transformed into this ghostly being. Presently I just lay on the ground, like a fallen leaf. Letting the cold strike my bone and welcome the darkness like an old friend. From time to time you would visit, trying to lure me back to you. I am determined this time. I stay still. For I know no matter what, the end result is death, and I am simply just choosing the less painful option. 30 March 2016 |
Delusion
I lay my head on the familiar surface of your chest and feel your fingers gently stroking my bareback. There is nothing foreign about this… it is the same routine that we always do when we unite.
Your lips would find its way to mine as soon as our eyes meet. Your fingers will go on an adventure through the strands of my hair. You would push me to the wall and shower me with kisses until you hear my body's approval.
You would scoop me up and carry me into the room. Your hands slowly undressing me while your lips are busy making trails all over me.
By the end of it all we would do exactly what we're doing now. You would sometimes peck my lips softly as if you're reassuring me that what we're doing is okay.
I get lost in confusion sometimes; the line between reality and reverie blurred. There are times when I felt like it was normal for me to reach for your hand when we're out in public—only for me to realize that it isn't and I had to give myself a mental slap.
Nothing has really changed, yet everything has.
You told me you couldn't love me.
You tried.
But you couldn't.
I didn't understand it…it's almost like you're speaking in another language. I repeated your words again and again in my head.
"I can't love you."
"I can't love you."
"I can't love you."
And every time, I felt my heart sank deeper into the dark abyss.
Yet, here I am again.
Constantly falling on the same trap.
Everything we do now, we do behind the curtains… nothing to show, nothing to be revealed.
I desperately cling to the times when we are together—it's like an escape from this suffocating truth. Though in reality I haven't taken even a single step.
"Stop loving him."
"Stop loving him."
"Stop loving him."
I tell myself numerous times.
But every time those hazel eyes stared deep into my dull dark brown eyes, I feel as if you're pulling me into you again. `And I fear that there is no way out… that this is it for me.
"Why can't you love me?" I asked one day.
He looked at me and raised one of his eyebrows. "I told you," he started. "You told me you didn't know, and I don't want that answer. So why? Why can't you love me?" I stopped him.
He stared at me like he's trying to form coherent sentences. I waited. My eyes glued to the ground… scared to even catching a short gaze of those beautiful pair of eyes.
He took a deep breath and answered, "Because you weren't always on my mind. You were there a lot of the times, but not enough. If you love someone, he or she would be there all the time, even if you were occupied. And unfortunately… " He didn’t finish.
Again, it felt pain. It was like he was poking my barely healed wound with a stick. It hasn't recovered yet, but he's already making it worse again. Re-opening the wounds that I tried so hard to mend.
It hurts to know that I wasn't his priority—that I wasn't always on his mind—as he was mine.
He took my hand and gently strokes it "If this is bothering you, then I would suggest that we go our separate ways from now on. We don't have to this anymore."
I looked at him like he was mad. "We can do that, but I'm not particularly fond of the idea."
"And why is that?" He looked genuinely confused.
"Remember, you told me that it seems like everyone in your life tends to leave you? Your dad, your siblings, and that made you emotionally distant. And, while I know cutting contacts with you will be very beneficial for me, I just care for you enough not to do the same thing that other people in your life has done. I refuse to step away from you."
This is true. A part of me wanted to stay just to prove that I am not like everybody else in his life. I wouldn't leave him, and that it's okay to have an emotional attachment to me. Maybe, one day, he’ll realize that I am the one, and he'll come running back to me.
But of course, I knew better.
He kissed my forehead and whispered a thank you. He motioned for me to lay my head on his chest so that he could gently stroke my hair.
I obliged.
The sweet gesture didn't last long though as his hand started to go up my skirt and his lips made its way to my neck.
As he close the gap between us, I felt him harden and his breath getting irregular.
I realized that night that his is the only thing that I will ever be to him: his pleasure toy.
But love can make you do things beyond your control; it deludes you. I thought to myself that I'm contributing to his happiness…
…in exchange of mine.
2 March 2016
Your lips would find its way to mine as soon as our eyes meet. Your fingers will go on an adventure through the strands of my hair. You would push me to the wall and shower me with kisses until you hear my body's approval.
You would scoop me up and carry me into the room. Your hands slowly undressing me while your lips are busy making trails all over me.
By the end of it all we would do exactly what we're doing now. You would sometimes peck my lips softly as if you're reassuring me that what we're doing is okay.
I get lost in confusion sometimes; the line between reality and reverie blurred. There are times when I felt like it was normal for me to reach for your hand when we're out in public—only for me to realize that it isn't and I had to give myself a mental slap.
Nothing has really changed, yet everything has.
You told me you couldn't love me.
You tried.
But you couldn't.
I didn't understand it…it's almost like you're speaking in another language. I repeated your words again and again in my head.
"I can't love you."
"I can't love you."
"I can't love you."
And every time, I felt my heart sank deeper into the dark abyss.
Yet, here I am again.
Constantly falling on the same trap.
Everything we do now, we do behind the curtains… nothing to show, nothing to be revealed.
I desperately cling to the times when we are together—it's like an escape from this suffocating truth. Though in reality I haven't taken even a single step.
"Stop loving him."
"Stop loving him."
"Stop loving him."
I tell myself numerous times.
But every time those hazel eyes stared deep into my dull dark brown eyes, I feel as if you're pulling me into you again. `And I fear that there is no way out… that this is it for me.
"Why can't you love me?" I asked one day.
He looked at me and raised one of his eyebrows. "I told you," he started. "You told me you didn't know, and I don't want that answer. So why? Why can't you love me?" I stopped him.
He stared at me like he's trying to form coherent sentences. I waited. My eyes glued to the ground… scared to even catching a short gaze of those beautiful pair of eyes.
He took a deep breath and answered, "Because you weren't always on my mind. You were there a lot of the times, but not enough. If you love someone, he or she would be there all the time, even if you were occupied. And unfortunately… " He didn’t finish.
Again, it felt pain. It was like he was poking my barely healed wound with a stick. It hasn't recovered yet, but he's already making it worse again. Re-opening the wounds that I tried so hard to mend.
It hurts to know that I wasn't his priority—that I wasn't always on his mind—as he was mine.
He took my hand and gently strokes it "If this is bothering you, then I would suggest that we go our separate ways from now on. We don't have to this anymore."
I looked at him like he was mad. "We can do that, but I'm not particularly fond of the idea."
"And why is that?" He looked genuinely confused.
"Remember, you told me that it seems like everyone in your life tends to leave you? Your dad, your siblings, and that made you emotionally distant. And, while I know cutting contacts with you will be very beneficial for me, I just care for you enough not to do the same thing that other people in your life has done. I refuse to step away from you."
This is true. A part of me wanted to stay just to prove that I am not like everybody else in his life. I wouldn't leave him, and that it's okay to have an emotional attachment to me. Maybe, one day, he’ll realize that I am the one, and he'll come running back to me.
But of course, I knew better.
He kissed my forehead and whispered a thank you. He motioned for me to lay my head on his chest so that he could gently stroke my hair.
I obliged.
The sweet gesture didn't last long though as his hand started to go up my skirt and his lips made its way to my neck.
As he close the gap between us, I felt him harden and his breath getting irregular.
I realized that night that his is the only thing that I will ever be to him: his pleasure toy.
But love can make you do things beyond your control; it deludes you. I thought to myself that I'm contributing to his happiness…
…in exchange of mine.
2 March 2016
Attachment |
Lost |
In the eyes of others we are no longer.
Yet when I look into yours, it feels like the contrary. When our bodies reunite we enter a world of our own. It is as if you were still mine, and I was still yours. I know it isn't so, But I am often lost in reverie. Don't mistake me as a desperate soul, Begging to be re-labeled as yours. As to love and not possess is the purest form of devotion. To love, and to hope nothing in return. 14 February 2016 |
I have stayed still for awhile... didn't touch my oars once.
I wasn't sure on which direction I should take. Should I go back home? I have mapped my goals so clearly when I started, I knew what I was doing...but not anymore. I have let the current to take control and transport me to wherever it wants to. Suddenly everything I believed in vanished, and I am lost. Closing my eyes has been my only escape. At least in that world, the direction you take is unimportant. At least there, ambiguity can be blatant. 25 August 2015 |
You
As you drift of to sleep, my eyes are still fixed on you—your milky white skin, your thick short hair…with your mouth slightly hung open. You are not the easiest person to be with, and even though I know that you know this, you still don't open yourself up to me—instead you push me into this maze that you are made of.
But as you know well yourself, I have a high level of determination.
In time, I was able to figure out general facts about you; your favorite color, your favorite animal, what type of music do you listen to… and with this little information I was able to bring myself further into the maze.
Mapping out your social circle wasn't easy—you hang out with so many diverse people. One of your groups of friends is working towards the goal to make this country a better place; the other one can't even get out of university for their own sake. But just like the water, you're able to fit perfectly in any container… or in this case; any group.
Little by little, I found out what you like and what you dislike, what flips you off, and what turns you on. You slowly showed me you are more than what meets the eyes. All these emotions you displayed… it doesn't scare me off—it does the opposite.
You compel me to still be here—stroking your hair while you rest on my lap. Again, you're not the easiest person to be with… but I wouldn't want to have any other person.
2 July 2015
But as you know well yourself, I have a high level of determination.
In time, I was able to figure out general facts about you; your favorite color, your favorite animal, what type of music do you listen to… and with this little information I was able to bring myself further into the maze.
Mapping out your social circle wasn't easy—you hang out with so many diverse people. One of your groups of friends is working towards the goal to make this country a better place; the other one can't even get out of university for their own sake. But just like the water, you're able to fit perfectly in any container… or in this case; any group.
Little by little, I found out what you like and what you dislike, what flips you off, and what turns you on. You slowly showed me you are more than what meets the eyes. All these emotions you displayed… it doesn't scare me off—it does the opposite.
You compel me to still be here—stroking your hair while you rest on my lap. Again, you're not the easiest person to be with… but I wouldn't want to have any other person.
2 July 2015
The Improbability Of Us
Time is a funny concept isn’t it? It is a theory that humans entirely made-up, yet it is the sole thing that we tend to grasp.
Time is the very reason we are covered in this blanket of fear—of uncertainty.
Distance.
A word that is mostly visualized in numbers, and the greater the numbers are, the further the gap will be.
If we combine those two concepts together, we would undoubtedly find that the odds that we will stay together are against us.
Yet I find myself wanting to believe in the impossible. Just like how some believe in fairies, or dreams, or star signs—I believe in us.
You’re right about one thing though; we will never know the future. But I know for sure, as for now, that I love you. And no mater how unbelievably crazy the coming year will be… I will stick around just to be able to rest my head on your chest again.
18 June 2015
Time is the very reason we are covered in this blanket of fear—of uncertainty.
Distance.
A word that is mostly visualized in numbers, and the greater the numbers are, the further the gap will be.
If we combine those two concepts together, we would undoubtedly find that the odds that we will stay together are against us.
Yet I find myself wanting to believe in the impossible. Just like how some believe in fairies, or dreams, or star signs—I believe in us.
You’re right about one thing though; we will never know the future. But I know for sure, as for now, that I love you. And no mater how unbelievably crazy the coming year will be… I will stick around just to be able to rest my head on your chest again.
18 June 2015
Letters to Past Lovers
Dear first lover,
What can I say? You are the most memorable one out of them all. You were the sweetest… or dare I say; you are the sweetest. With our circumstances, you made it work. You loved me unconditionally. You gave me surprises; little gifts… you paid for everything, even though I know you didn’t have that much money. You always make time for me, even if you're in your grandmas, or in foreign countries. You're just always there when I need you. Without exception.
Even when we were no longer together, you were the one who feed me dim sum when I got hospitalized. You still cared even though I was really mean to you.
I will never regret anything that I did with you; you were my first everything and I would not want to have it any other way.
Thank you for teaching me what love really means. Thank you for showing me what loving someone sincerely looks like. Thank you for singing me to sleep every night and telling me over and over again 22 things of why you love me. 22 is my favorite number because of you, and just so you know, when people ask why I love 22 I would say "because so many things happened on the 22nd" but really its more because "we happened on the 22nd". You were the one I loved the most, and I wish I could've stayed with you for a little longer.
Dear second lover,
You were the most exciting. You were my first older boyfriend, and you were really foreign as well. You came straight from France, and I was about to go to France. You taught me how to speak the language better and called me bébé because I was your baby. You stopped smoking for me, I remembered. Because once I flushed down your cigarette pack in the toilet. I told you that I hate smokers, and you have to choose between that or me. And you chose me in the end. You took me to fancy places that my first lover couldn’t afford to. You showed me what glamorous life looks like.
In contrast, you were also the one who taught me the bad side of life and love. You were the one who told me all about the drugs that are available in the world. You taught me what 'shrooms' are and what it does to your body. You told me what marijuana does as well.
I guess you were also influenced by the genre of music you like, to which is hip-hop. You act like I'm inferior to you a lot. You rarely listen to me, and you raise your voice on me a lot. I was terrified of you.
But still, thank you. Because of you I learned that money does not buy happiness, and because of you, I learned to respect myself enough to walk away from you.
Dear third lover,
Our time was short, but it was nevertheless memorable. You are the only one that still keeps in contact with me constantly. You check on me sometimes, and so do I. You taught me math. That was how we got close; because of something that I really hate. Then, we exchanged knowledge because I helped you with your IELTS training.
I loved how despite everyone not wanting you to be with me, you still picked me anyways. You taught me how to drive, and you always drive me back home despite our houses being so far away and even when you feel tired you still drop me home.
Your house was close to school so I always crash at your place whenever I haven’t been picked up yet or my class hasn't started. Then we will eat breakfast together and then go up to your room and just be with each other.
The way we broke up was smooth, because we knew it was for the best. I don't have anything against you, but the distance separating us right now.
Thank you for teaching me how to make the right decisions at the right time. Thank you for teaching me to let go.
Dear past lovers,
I hope you will always be happy and healthy.
I hope you will be with someone who is capable of loving you unconditionally.
Thank you for stopping by in my life.
What can I say? You are the most memorable one out of them all. You were the sweetest… or dare I say; you are the sweetest. With our circumstances, you made it work. You loved me unconditionally. You gave me surprises; little gifts… you paid for everything, even though I know you didn’t have that much money. You always make time for me, even if you're in your grandmas, or in foreign countries. You're just always there when I need you. Without exception.
Even when we were no longer together, you were the one who feed me dim sum when I got hospitalized. You still cared even though I was really mean to you.
I will never regret anything that I did with you; you were my first everything and I would not want to have it any other way.
Thank you for teaching me what love really means. Thank you for showing me what loving someone sincerely looks like. Thank you for singing me to sleep every night and telling me over and over again 22 things of why you love me. 22 is my favorite number because of you, and just so you know, when people ask why I love 22 I would say "because so many things happened on the 22nd" but really its more because "we happened on the 22nd". You were the one I loved the most, and I wish I could've stayed with you for a little longer.
Dear second lover,
You were the most exciting. You were my first older boyfriend, and you were really foreign as well. You came straight from France, and I was about to go to France. You taught me how to speak the language better and called me bébé because I was your baby. You stopped smoking for me, I remembered. Because once I flushed down your cigarette pack in the toilet. I told you that I hate smokers, and you have to choose between that or me. And you chose me in the end. You took me to fancy places that my first lover couldn’t afford to. You showed me what glamorous life looks like.
In contrast, you were also the one who taught me the bad side of life and love. You were the one who told me all about the drugs that are available in the world. You taught me what 'shrooms' are and what it does to your body. You told me what marijuana does as well.
I guess you were also influenced by the genre of music you like, to which is hip-hop. You act like I'm inferior to you a lot. You rarely listen to me, and you raise your voice on me a lot. I was terrified of you.
But still, thank you. Because of you I learned that money does not buy happiness, and because of you, I learned to respect myself enough to walk away from you.
Dear third lover,
Our time was short, but it was nevertheless memorable. You are the only one that still keeps in contact with me constantly. You check on me sometimes, and so do I. You taught me math. That was how we got close; because of something that I really hate. Then, we exchanged knowledge because I helped you with your IELTS training.
I loved how despite everyone not wanting you to be with me, you still picked me anyways. You taught me how to drive, and you always drive me back home despite our houses being so far away and even when you feel tired you still drop me home.
Your house was close to school so I always crash at your place whenever I haven’t been picked up yet or my class hasn't started. Then we will eat breakfast together and then go up to your room and just be with each other.
The way we broke up was smooth, because we knew it was for the best. I don't have anything against you, but the distance separating us right now.
Thank you for teaching me how to make the right decisions at the right time. Thank you for teaching me to let go.
Dear past lovers,
I hope you will always be happy and healthy.
I hope you will be with someone who is capable of loving you unconditionally.
Thank you for stopping by in my life.
Sincerely,
Your Past Lover
Your Past Lover
19 March 2015
The Prisoner of Emotions
“Does he make you happy?” I asked her. She’s expressionless; no more gleam in her eyes, no more enthusiasm.
She exhaled.
“At some point he did. He made me the happiest girl alive by keeping me close to him, hugging me, kissing me, caressing me… He made me smile with his silly jokes and his crazy way of showing me he loves me. Yet he broke me, slowly but steadily; and I allowed it.”
“How? If he made you happy then why are you broken?” millions of questions ran through my head, I can’t quite grasp what happened to the girl that once beamed of energy.
“He said he needed me to fix him, to mend him. But in the process of healing him, I broke myself. I gave him bits of me to repair him. I gave him all my energy, my time, my attention and love. Above all I didn’t even feel like I’m sacrificing myself for him. I loved him. No, I love him.” Her eyes are dark and empty, yet her speeches are heavy and full of emotion.
“They warned me.” her tone is filled with anger. “They warned me to stay away from him. They said he broke me once, he will definitely break me again. But I didn’t listen to them. I didn’t—“ she broke down and cried.
She cried and cried and cried, until she couldn’t anymore.
“Help me.” She begged. “Help me!” She screamed in frustration. But she wasn’t talking to me; she’s talking to herself.
Because after all, she is a prisoner of her own emotions.
4 January 2015
She exhaled.
“At some point he did. He made me the happiest girl alive by keeping me close to him, hugging me, kissing me, caressing me… He made me smile with his silly jokes and his crazy way of showing me he loves me. Yet he broke me, slowly but steadily; and I allowed it.”
“How? If he made you happy then why are you broken?” millions of questions ran through my head, I can’t quite grasp what happened to the girl that once beamed of energy.
“He said he needed me to fix him, to mend him. But in the process of healing him, I broke myself. I gave him bits of me to repair him. I gave him all my energy, my time, my attention and love. Above all I didn’t even feel like I’m sacrificing myself for him. I loved him. No, I love him.” Her eyes are dark and empty, yet her speeches are heavy and full of emotion.
“They warned me.” her tone is filled with anger. “They warned me to stay away from him. They said he broke me once, he will definitely break me again. But I didn’t listen to them. I didn’t—“ she broke down and cried.
She cried and cried and cried, until she couldn’t anymore.
“Help me.” She begged. “Help me!” She screamed in frustration. But she wasn’t talking to me; she’s talking to herself.
Because after all, she is a prisoner of her own emotions.
4 January 2015
Perhaps.
In this brief encounter I surrender.
I surrender to the goddess of love herself, or maybe to the uncertain autumn wind… as there was never a choice given towards us.
Perhaps in another life it would have been different. Perhaps in another life I would wake up one morning with the sight of you sleeping next to me while your arms are around me…
Perhaps…
The time that I have spent with you was lovely. I can feel my lips curve into a smile whenever we converse. I fancy how you see the universe and how you would pull me close to you whenever there's a chance. There in your arms, I feel warm and loved. Though those words were never spoken.
But alas, the universe itself is isolating us. You… you have to go back to your life; surviving through life with a cup of coffee everyday, and I should go back to him; he… whom I have been assigned to love.
My love, please forgive me. I am powerless, defenseless, and vulnerable. I can't alter the script that I am supposed to play; nor am I capable of switching the actors in it, as I am also a part of them.
Farewell my dear.
Perhaps in another life…
9 November 2014
I surrender to the goddess of love herself, or maybe to the uncertain autumn wind… as there was never a choice given towards us.
Perhaps in another life it would have been different. Perhaps in another life I would wake up one morning with the sight of you sleeping next to me while your arms are around me…
Perhaps…
The time that I have spent with you was lovely. I can feel my lips curve into a smile whenever we converse. I fancy how you see the universe and how you would pull me close to you whenever there's a chance. There in your arms, I feel warm and loved. Though those words were never spoken.
But alas, the universe itself is isolating us. You… you have to go back to your life; surviving through life with a cup of coffee everyday, and I should go back to him; he… whom I have been assigned to love.
My love, please forgive me. I am powerless, defenseless, and vulnerable. I can't alter the script that I am supposed to play; nor am I capable of switching the actors in it, as I am also a part of them.
Farewell my dear.
Perhaps in another life…
9 November 2014
Morose.
Morose.
Such a pretty word to define a person who is miserable. How can a word that contains one of the world's most beautiful flower be used to describe such thing?
Then again, often roses are associated with love, and love Itself does not always end happily... even the most beautiful rose will eventually wilt.
But maybe not.
It might be the case of the latter. Where if you take good care of them, you might have planted yourself a garden.
I guess this means the rose can not decide for itself... whether it would live or not; it isn't within her power.
If that's the case, then I guess it's a lie when they say that you decide on your own life. Humans were never meant to be created ti live independently. We have always been dependent.
Whether you rise or fall,
survive or hurt,
live or die,
The choice isn't yours...
...it has never been.
17 October 2014
Such a pretty word to define a person who is miserable. How can a word that contains one of the world's most beautiful flower be used to describe such thing?
Then again, often roses are associated with love, and love Itself does not always end happily... even the most beautiful rose will eventually wilt.
But maybe not.
It might be the case of the latter. Where if you take good care of them, you might have planted yourself a garden.
I guess this means the rose can not decide for itself... whether it would live or not; it isn't within her power.
If that's the case, then I guess it's a lie when they say that you decide on your own life. Humans were never meant to be created ti live independently. We have always been dependent.
Whether you rise or fall,
survive or hurt,
live or die,
The choice isn't yours...
...it has never been.
17 October 2014
To The One That Got Away.
Under the same moonlight that has been illuminating the sky, I yearn. There was once a time where I was always happy, because he never let me feel anything else but love. He always made sure that I feel special and needed, and was never absent even for a night to sing me my own special lullaby.
Everyday he would make time just for me, because he wanted to make it apparent that I am his one and only—that I am his priority. He would tell me twenty-two things why he loves me, and he would repeat our love story again and again every night before I go to bed. His voice would be the last thing I hear before I sleep and it would be the first thing I hear in the morning, because after I slept, he would leave a voice note for me in the morning.
He's not the richest man out there but he would make sure to send me gifts every now and then as a cherry on top. He would act as my protector even if we were miles apart.
I was treated like a princess and I treated him like he was my prince.
Alas happy endings just happen in fairytales and sadly I live in the harsh world of reality… where religions became a problem and blessings should be given.
It has been years since we last talked… since our hands intertwined, yet he still lives in the corner of my heart. Every now and then I still go through our numerous pictures and wear your shirt to bed. I still sniff his perfume whenever I feel sad, just like how I used to smell it on his body whenever I'm in his arms.
I hope you're doing fine, and I hope you're happy. I hope she's treating you well and she would leave you love letters just like how you liked mine. I hope… every now and then I still cross your mind… and maybe we share the same thought of how things might have turn out if the world is just slightly more accepting.
14 October 2014
Everyday he would make time just for me, because he wanted to make it apparent that I am his one and only—that I am his priority. He would tell me twenty-two things why he loves me, and he would repeat our love story again and again every night before I go to bed. His voice would be the last thing I hear before I sleep and it would be the first thing I hear in the morning, because after I slept, he would leave a voice note for me in the morning.
He's not the richest man out there but he would make sure to send me gifts every now and then as a cherry on top. He would act as my protector even if we were miles apart.
I was treated like a princess and I treated him like he was my prince.
Alas happy endings just happen in fairytales and sadly I live in the harsh world of reality… where religions became a problem and blessings should be given.
It has been years since we last talked… since our hands intertwined, yet he still lives in the corner of my heart. Every now and then I still go through our numerous pictures and wear your shirt to bed. I still sniff his perfume whenever I feel sad, just like how I used to smell it on his body whenever I'm in his arms.
I hope you're doing fine, and I hope you're happy. I hope she's treating you well and she would leave you love letters just like how you liked mine. I hope… every now and then I still cross your mind… and maybe we share the same thought of how things might have turn out if the world is just slightly more accepting.
14 October 2014
Drink.
"Drink." You said, handing me over a glass of pitch black water.
I knew.
I knew that it's poisonous. I knew that if I drink that I would slowly die. But you hand it over to me like it's a glass full of life, as if the latter will happen.
"I am not thirsty." I replied. Yet you push the lid on my lips, forcing me to drink. "Drink." You said firmly.
And so I did. I drank. I drank, I drank, and I drank.
You kept on giving me more, as if you're trying to drown me.
Drowning.
I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like my lungs are desperate for fresh air… like no matter how hard I try to grasp on my surroundings, all I see are bubbles of memories of you and me. Preventing me to see further of what is ahead of me. All I see is you, and all I feel is you. You're poisoning me with your existence.
I try to swim ashore, but the water is so thick it's dragging me down. I can't escape—there is no escape.
"Drink." You said. And so I did. I drank, I drank, and I drank. As that is the only thing I am used to do, and I am severely desperate for familiarity.
12 September 2014
I knew.
I knew that it's poisonous. I knew that if I drink that I would slowly die. But you hand it over to me like it's a glass full of life, as if the latter will happen.
"I am not thirsty." I replied. Yet you push the lid on my lips, forcing me to drink. "Drink." You said firmly.
And so I did. I drank. I drank, I drank, and I drank.
You kept on giving me more, as if you're trying to drown me.
Drowning.
I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like my lungs are desperate for fresh air… like no matter how hard I try to grasp on my surroundings, all I see are bubbles of memories of you and me. Preventing me to see further of what is ahead of me. All I see is you, and all I feel is you. You're poisoning me with your existence.
I try to swim ashore, but the water is so thick it's dragging me down. I can't escape—there is no escape.
"Drink." You said. And so I did. I drank, I drank, and I drank. As that is the only thing I am used to do, and I am severely desperate for familiarity.
12 September 2014
Sad.
"I love you." You told me. "I love you too much." The emphasis on the word too much bothers me. It's not that I don't trust you, I do. It's just that I'm not sure if I trust your words simply because it is just simply tempting. It is humane isn't it for me to want to believe what you said because it sounds good… because it's the better alternative? It's very tempting to believe in you rather than to listen to the demons inside my head.
You rarely show me your affection. Sometimes, I feel like your feelings come and go. It's not a status that I desire… I don't need that. I need certainty. You told me you want to make me happy, and not the other way around. Yet, it's always the case that there is not a day that doesn't go by without us arguing, and I'm tired. I'm tired of constantly fighting for what I believe is right and I know that you know is right, but your ego and pride won't let you.
Why? Is it because I'm younger than you? Is it because I'm a girl? Or is it because the scar that she left you is so deep that I'm only left with a tiny space of trust in your heart.
You never want to talk about her, leaving me no choice but to find out on my own. She's your past, I know. But your past is what makes of you now, and the events that have been occurring in your past have me in it. So isn’t it my right to know?
They told me you go to her house almost everyday, they told me you'd do anything for her. Why don't I feel like you would do the same to me?
I am not disappointed. No.
I am sad.
5 September 2014
You rarely show me your affection. Sometimes, I feel like your feelings come and go. It's not a status that I desire… I don't need that. I need certainty. You told me you want to make me happy, and not the other way around. Yet, it's always the case that there is not a day that doesn't go by without us arguing, and I'm tired. I'm tired of constantly fighting for what I believe is right and I know that you know is right, but your ego and pride won't let you.
Why? Is it because I'm younger than you? Is it because I'm a girl? Or is it because the scar that she left you is so deep that I'm only left with a tiny space of trust in your heart.
You never want to talk about her, leaving me no choice but to find out on my own. She's your past, I know. But your past is what makes of you now, and the events that have been occurring in your past have me in it. So isn’t it my right to know?
They told me you go to her house almost everyday, they told me you'd do anything for her. Why don't I feel like you would do the same to me?
I am not disappointed. No.
I am sad.
5 September 2014
Inferior.
Will I ever be more than just a girl to you?
Will you let me pierce the wall you have build around me merely because in your eyes I can never handle the burden you have on your back. In your eyes I'm just a girl aren't I?
An emotional wreck.
How can I possibly make sense when I can't even gain any self-control? Maybe the answer is quite simple… you just simply misunderstood. It just doesn't cross your mind that it is because I am like this, switching from emotions to emotions; I can see you from so many different perspectives. I can see the things you overlooked.
But you will never listen to me won't you?
To you, I'm just the figure you sleep next to… the physical assurance that you existed. After all, you never really existed unless someone sees you existing right?
When will you let me take the role I am assigned to have?
Stop seeing me as an inferior and see me as an equal. Don't drag me; let's walk together hand in hand.
2 September 2014
Will you let me pierce the wall you have build around me merely because in your eyes I can never handle the burden you have on your back. In your eyes I'm just a girl aren't I?
An emotional wreck.
How can I possibly make sense when I can't even gain any self-control? Maybe the answer is quite simple… you just simply misunderstood. It just doesn't cross your mind that it is because I am like this, switching from emotions to emotions; I can see you from so many different perspectives. I can see the things you overlooked.
But you will never listen to me won't you?
To you, I'm just the figure you sleep next to… the physical assurance that you existed. After all, you never really existed unless someone sees you existing right?
When will you let me take the role I am assigned to have?
Stop seeing me as an inferior and see me as an equal. Don't drag me; let's walk together hand in hand.
2 September 2014
Avowal.
"Are you afraid that you're going to lose me?" I asked him, as we lay in bed with my head resting on his chest. "I'm not afraid to lose you." He answered while he continues to stroke my hair. "Why?" I finally look up so that my eyes will meet his.
"I'm never afraid to lose you because I know that we will be together for a very long time, because that is what we both want. I know that. But I don't expect anything from you. I'm not going to ask you to do anything for me. Instead, I want to give. I want to continue giving the best version of myself for you, so that you'll always love being around me… being my other half." His lips curved a smile.
"Why are you so sure?" I asked again. He always sees things differently from others, making it hard for me to understand in one go. But then again… that's why I fell for him; his smart mouth and his witty self.
"Our history… the way we happened, I just have faith in us." This statement bewildered me. "How can you say that? Our very history is the core reason why I am very insecure when it comes to you." He then smiled as a response, and I buried my face on his chest.
"Hey." He said while he arms wraps around me. "I don't want you to see it from my perspective, that would be no fun. We wouldn't grow that way. If we are on different sides, yet we always try to find middle ground, that's how we grow… as an individual and as a couple." I still refuse to look at him, partly because it's very comfortable in his arms, and partly because I don't want to meet his eyes.
"Whenever you ask me to describe what you are to me, I always answered with the word everything. Because frankly, you are my everything, and you are... everything." he emphasised. "You're everything around me. I will always feel close to you, even though we're not together. When I go hiking for example, my surroundings are beautiful… you are beautiful. Thus you surrounded me all throughout my journey. You're the great blue sky, you're the mist, you're the moon, you're the stars… you're everything, love." His tone was calming and soft. I can feel his sincerity from beginning to end. It warms my heart and it made my night.
"I want to be with you for a very long time." I answered. "I love you." I added. He answered with a smile and a kiss on my forehead. "We need each other love, and that's what matters." He said before we drift off to sleep.
9 June 2014
"I'm never afraid to lose you because I know that we will be together for a very long time, because that is what we both want. I know that. But I don't expect anything from you. I'm not going to ask you to do anything for me. Instead, I want to give. I want to continue giving the best version of myself for you, so that you'll always love being around me… being my other half." His lips curved a smile.
"Why are you so sure?" I asked again. He always sees things differently from others, making it hard for me to understand in one go. But then again… that's why I fell for him; his smart mouth and his witty self.
"Our history… the way we happened, I just have faith in us." This statement bewildered me. "How can you say that? Our very history is the core reason why I am very insecure when it comes to you." He then smiled as a response, and I buried my face on his chest.
"Hey." He said while he arms wraps around me. "I don't want you to see it from my perspective, that would be no fun. We wouldn't grow that way. If we are on different sides, yet we always try to find middle ground, that's how we grow… as an individual and as a couple." I still refuse to look at him, partly because it's very comfortable in his arms, and partly because I don't want to meet his eyes.
"Whenever you ask me to describe what you are to me, I always answered with the word everything. Because frankly, you are my everything, and you are... everything." he emphasised. "You're everything around me. I will always feel close to you, even though we're not together. When I go hiking for example, my surroundings are beautiful… you are beautiful. Thus you surrounded me all throughout my journey. You're the great blue sky, you're the mist, you're the moon, you're the stars… you're everything, love." His tone was calming and soft. I can feel his sincerity from beginning to end. It warms my heart and it made my night.
"I want to be with you for a very long time." I answered. "I love you." I added. He answered with a smile and a kiss on my forehead. "We need each other love, and that's what matters." He said before we drift off to sleep.
9 June 2014
Polar Opposites.
You and I are polar opposites. Your world and my world are different. I am different from you; I see the world from a different perspective… I was brought up differently. I don't expect you to understand that, as your world is the same with the majority of people in this country. Somehow, that makes me feel like I need to adjust to you more when really we should meet in the middle.
It frustrates me because I love you so much. The way your eyes lit up when you're excited, the way you frown when you're thinking hard about something, the way you sleep… I love the way how you make me feel and how you're my best friend, lover, and role model at the same time. But I'm tired of our little arguments. We argue almost everyday just because we have a different pair of eyes.
You can't shape me into a person you want me to be. I'm not made out of clay, I'm made out of skin and bones… and a beating heart. Don't misunderstand this, I want to fight for us, but I'm tired of constantly mold myself into something that you approve of. Why can't you applaud me for who I am?
2 August 2014
It frustrates me because I love you so much. The way your eyes lit up when you're excited, the way you frown when you're thinking hard about something, the way you sleep… I love the way how you make me feel and how you're my best friend, lover, and role model at the same time. But I'm tired of our little arguments. We argue almost everyday just because we have a different pair of eyes.
You can't shape me into a person you want me to be. I'm not made out of clay, I'm made out of skin and bones… and a beating heart. Don't misunderstand this, I want to fight for us, but I'm tired of constantly mold myself into something that you approve of. Why can't you applaud me for who I am?
2 August 2014
The Sun and The Moon. |
Teenage Love Affair |
The universe has its own enchanting ways to make it seem like the distance between us has disappeared… or at least lessened. Wherever you are in the world, you will look up at the same blue sky, and that is what has been keeping me going.
You my dear, you're like the big, bright, and monumental sun that lights up the world during the day. While I, I am the gleaming moon that otherwise would not glow without the sun. I orbit around you my dear, and it is with your wisdom and guidance that I remain to exist. Do not ever let me go love… because then I would only be a dim and rayless object in the tremendous empyrean. 27 July 2014 |
In every song I hear,
It will only be your face that will appear. It is both a prize and a burden to bear. This feeling I feel is quite rare, Is this my own teenage love affair? 25 July 2014 |
Disquiet
You're mine aren’t you? The words that I never hear are the ones that I need the most. The ones that will assure me, that after all, you are really mine to keep.
Our history… our journey… is what makes of us, but it is also what haunts me at night. Her arms around you, her lips on your lips, her scent on you… These thoughts are troubling me at night, and I can't do this.
I find myself looking through her pictures, and our old conversations where you used to talk about her. It's killing me, every look feels like a stab in the heart… constructing assumptions that are pushing me deeper and deeper in the pit of insecurity.
You're mine aren’t you? But why am I still scared that one day she's going to call you and you will go back to her like you're under a spell? I'm terrified. But even so, my natural instincts are telling me to go right back in your arms. For better or worse, you are both my poison and antidote. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about that.
20 July 2014
Our history… our journey… is what makes of us, but it is also what haunts me at night. Her arms around you, her lips on your lips, her scent on you… These thoughts are troubling me at night, and I can't do this.
I find myself looking through her pictures, and our old conversations where you used to talk about her. It's killing me, every look feels like a stab in the heart… constructing assumptions that are pushing me deeper and deeper in the pit of insecurity.
You're mine aren’t you? But why am I still scared that one day she's going to call you and you will go back to her like you're under a spell? I'm terrified. But even so, my natural instincts are telling me to go right back in your arms. For better or worse, you are both my poison and antidote. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about that.
20 July 2014
Cohesion
We are like the moon; part of us will always be hidden away. Our love is not for public to consume; it's just for us and solely for us. We're not an item; they will never see what we see, or understand what we have. For they will never understand the depth and the complexity that our relationship contains. But also like the moon, together, our love will illuminate the darkness.
Together, hand in hand, we waltz down the path of devotion, to a tune that only we can hear. And as we dance, we will get stares because in their eyes we're dancing to nothing. In their eyes we are mad. But we are, aren't we? We're madly in love.
You never say it, and neither have I. But I know that we both can feel it, and it is what keeps our heart beating… and not individually…but as one.
And God knows the path that we're taking isn't easy. Even, we've seen the obstacles that will come our way. But if we look at how far we've come, what we have become, and what we have overcome and as long as we have each other; there will be no mountain high enough.
So let's keep dancing in the dark, and even if this writing will end, our love will continue on.
5 July 2014
Together, hand in hand, we waltz down the path of devotion, to a tune that only we can hear. And as we dance, we will get stares because in their eyes we're dancing to nothing. In their eyes we are mad. But we are, aren't we? We're madly in love.
You never say it, and neither have I. But I know that we both can feel it, and it is what keeps our heart beating… and not individually…but as one.
And God knows the path that we're taking isn't easy. Even, we've seen the obstacles that will come our way. But if we look at how far we've come, what we have become, and what we have overcome and as long as we have each other; there will be no mountain high enough.
So let's keep dancing in the dark, and even if this writing will end, our love will continue on.
5 July 2014
The Fisherman and The Fish
We are all one race, the human race. We are all one, yet we are all different. Equipped with our own traits and flaws. We are very individualistic, yet, we long for a company: a company that lasts for the rest of our lives, which leads us to our own quest of finding our soul mate.
They often tell us; "There are lots of fishes in the sea" signaling that if one doesn't work out, we can go catch ourselves another fish. But is it really that easy? It is both a struggle for the fishes and for the fishermen. Because there are a lot of fishes in the sea, but there are a lot of fishermen as well.
What makes one's bait a lot more alluring than the other? And what makes a fish better than the other fishes? Preferences they may say. But I beg to differ.
I am the fisherman, and you are the fish. I have provided bait that is made with a durable, yet flexible material that triggers more catch. In addition with fat worms that will of course attract fishes. And you, you're just a fish. Like other fishes who are attracted to my bait. In the end, if I get 2 fishes with, why do you have to choose you as a fish that I would like to keep and not the other one?
Prove to me that you're the better fish. Maybe, you're the bigger fish, that will provide me with more flesh and nutrients, or perhaps, your scale is beautiful which makes you stand out from the rest. Show me that you're worth it. Show my why I have to pick you apart from all the other fishes, because I have shown you my reasoning. I have given you my bait, and you took interest in it.
Show it to me, prove it to me, or you will lose me.
28 June 2014.
They often tell us; "There are lots of fishes in the sea" signaling that if one doesn't work out, we can go catch ourselves another fish. But is it really that easy? It is both a struggle for the fishes and for the fishermen. Because there are a lot of fishes in the sea, but there are a lot of fishermen as well.
What makes one's bait a lot more alluring than the other? And what makes a fish better than the other fishes? Preferences they may say. But I beg to differ.
I am the fisherman, and you are the fish. I have provided bait that is made with a durable, yet flexible material that triggers more catch. In addition with fat worms that will of course attract fishes. And you, you're just a fish. Like other fishes who are attracted to my bait. In the end, if I get 2 fishes with, why do you have to choose you as a fish that I would like to keep and not the other one?
Prove to me that you're the better fish. Maybe, you're the bigger fish, that will provide me with more flesh and nutrients, or perhaps, your scale is beautiful which makes you stand out from the rest. Show me that you're worth it. Show my why I have to pick you apart from all the other fishes, because I have shown you my reasoning. I have given you my bait, and you took interest in it.
Show it to me, prove it to me, or you will lose me.
28 June 2014.
Three Words
I want to say the three words that two lovers would say to one another. In this room filled with darkness, where we're in each other's arm, lying still while the warmth of our body exceeds the cold of the room.
I want to tell you, how much you mean to me, and how I feel safe and protected when I'm around you. How, my heart jumps when I see you, and how, my lips would curve a smile whenever I'm near you.
But alas, I can't bring myself to it. The three words are stuck, all jumbled up together inside my throat. It feels like somebody is strangling me, just so I would never say those three words.
Here in this room, where the dim light guides my eyes to see the actual beauty that is within you, I feel like I am home. Here in your arms, I feel the most comfortable, and the most loved.
Although I can't bring myself to say it, I hope you can feel it.
I really do.
25 June 2014
I want to tell you, how much you mean to me, and how I feel safe and protected when I'm around you. How, my heart jumps when I see you, and how, my lips would curve a smile whenever I'm near you.
But alas, I can't bring myself to it. The three words are stuck, all jumbled up together inside my throat. It feels like somebody is strangling me, just so I would never say those three words.
Here in this room, where the dim light guides my eyes to see the actual beauty that is within you, I feel like I am home. Here in your arms, I feel the most comfortable, and the most loved.
Although I can't bring myself to say it, I hope you can feel it.
I really do.
25 June 2014
Irresolution
I would always describe the way we happened as fate. When two people have gone to two very different paths but somehow along the way, those paths intertwined.
We're the opposite of each other; different ends of the magnet, but that drew us closer to each other more than anything. As one may say: we complete each other.
Sometimes, each of us fail to see what the other might see, just like how sometimes half of the moon is dark due to the lack of sunlight that it needs. Sometimes I'm on the dark side, and sometimes you're on the dark side. But we help each other to understand, like how the moon slowly orbits around the earth, until finally, we both can see the light, and the moon is in its prime form.
Everyone can see how our relationship has been developing, and how it has transformed us both. But no one can see the effect you have on my eyes, and the weight of your words on my mind. No one can feel what I feel when you're close to me, when I can feel the warmth of your body and that scent of yours that captivates me. All these things, all these intangible things are the things that I value the most.
You, I value your company, I value our time together.
Though, the clock is ticking, and our time together has almost come to an end. It is sad to realize that we'll enter a dimension of uncertainty.
Our paths have reached its end and it has given us a choice to build a new path together, or separate and build a path individually, to create new memories together or leave a sweet memory behind to remember.
What choice would we take? Where would we go from here?
11 June 2014
We're the opposite of each other; different ends of the magnet, but that drew us closer to each other more than anything. As one may say: we complete each other.
Sometimes, each of us fail to see what the other might see, just like how sometimes half of the moon is dark due to the lack of sunlight that it needs. Sometimes I'm on the dark side, and sometimes you're on the dark side. But we help each other to understand, like how the moon slowly orbits around the earth, until finally, we both can see the light, and the moon is in its prime form.
Everyone can see how our relationship has been developing, and how it has transformed us both. But no one can see the effect you have on my eyes, and the weight of your words on my mind. No one can feel what I feel when you're close to me, when I can feel the warmth of your body and that scent of yours that captivates me. All these things, all these intangible things are the things that I value the most.
You, I value your company, I value our time together.
Though, the clock is ticking, and our time together has almost come to an end. It is sad to realize that we'll enter a dimension of uncertainty.
Our paths have reached its end and it has given us a choice to build a new path together, or separate and build a path individually, to create new memories together or leave a sweet memory behind to remember.
What choice would we take? Where would we go from here?
11 June 2014
Earth-Bound
There I was, lying still on a bed covered with white sheets, not moving a muscle—not breathing; I am lifeless. Surrounded by dozens of other lifeless bodies, I guess I was in the morgue. I was not the only soul in the room though I saw others. They're not horrifying like how humans picture the dead, they're just like the lively, but a little more translucent—I am translucent.
"Are you new?" One asked. She was in her mid 40s I'm guessing. She had a very motherly smile on her face, and her hair was tied in a bun. "Yeah, I guess I'm new." I answered her. It's quite amusing that I can still talk to others even now that I'm physically not able.
"How young, what happened?" I chatted with her for a bit. I told her I had an illness called Lupus Erythematosus, which basically means I have a very bad immune system. She said it was a shame that I have to go in such a young age; she said I haven't go through the beautiful things in life. She told me, she died while giving birth to her second child, and up until now it is the only reason why she is still earth-bounded.
"What does that mean?" I asked her in curiosity. "Well, it is when you still can't let go of the things that makes you human, like an un-finished quest. Some people, you see, go straight up there; they don't wander around like we do. It took me awhile to know what my purpose is, but now I know. I guess I'm here to be my kids' guardian angel, and as a mother, it is only natural to want to see them grow up." She explained. "However, I suggest you finish your quest soon, and not stick around here too much. It gets lonely, and sometimes even depressing." She continued. I thanked her and bid her farewell, after all, if that was the case, then, I am here for a reason.
I decided to pay my family a visit, and I quickly regretted it, because my heart broke when I see how my mom still go through my pictures at night and secretly sniffles, and how my brothers are trying to cheer her up. I saw how my dad didn't even want to see my mom because he knows that if he sees her cry, he'll cry as well. Instead, he chose to spend time with my cat, taking care of him like how I would took care of him.
I wandered around the busy streets for a while, just going around, observing the world. It is funny how now I realized that the world that I lived in was. How, they ignore the homeless, how, most people are quick-tempered, and how, some people chose to not care about a situation that maybe, they can help. It somehow made me feel a little bit better about being dead: at least the world that I have left isn't so wonderful anyway.
In front of me, I saw two couples romantically cuddling on a bench at a city park, and that is when it hits me: him. Has he heard of the news? Does he even care? I was supposed to be his ball of sunshine; the person he goes to when everything else is turning dark. That is the best way I can describe myself when it comes to him, yet I know that I was only his second choice. The girl he goes to when his girlfriend is mad at him, or when she doesn't want to take care of him; I was her substitute. But it didn't bother me, because I was in love with him. And at that time, he was the only thing that mattered to me.
When I appeared in his room, I first panicked because I didn't know if he could see me or not. But of course he couldn't after all, we exist in different worlds now, but I guess he just have that effect on me. He was nowhere to be seen though; maybe he's out. This is also my first time entering his room, and it fascinates me. I took my time to take in every detail of his room; even though it doesn't really matter now does it?
He didn't enter the room until the next five minutes, and that was the first time in months since I've last seen him. Our last encounter was in April, where he told me that she doesn't want me to contact him anymore. I asked him, if she makes him happy or not, and he answered with a nod. So that was what I did, I stayed away from him, even though it broke me.
He was talking to someone on the phone, and it didn't sound nice. "You're lying. No." That was the first three words that I heard came out of his mouth. "Don't lie to me, she's not dead." Oh. He just found out. I observed his facial expression, and there was nothing there. He was as emotionless as the body I left in the morgue.
The phone ended a few minutes later, and he immediately threw his phone to the bed. He scratched his head and sat on a chair near the desk. He just sat there, like a statue, and so I decided to do something. I pushed the painting I painted for him a few months before. The movement was sudden, and it shocked him. I then made my favorite shirt of him fall from the dresser. That is when he noticed.
"You're here aren't you?" He asked. I so desperately want to answer, but I have no idea how. "Why did you go? Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell me that you're sick?" he questioned me. "You're so selfish. You left me when I needed you." At that statement I was mad, because I was always there for him, and I left him on his request. So I tossed the painting off the wall.
He took a step back, but he proceeded. "You know why I needed you? I need you because I just realized how much you mean to me. How much your presence actually light up my days. It is not her, it is you." He finished.
My felt my whole body warmed, and far in front of me, I can see the light, and I'm really drawn to it.
"You're even more beautiful as a soul." He said. The statement shocked me, and I just realized that I'm now visible to him. I guess these golden lights around me made that happened. I smiled at him and mouthed thank you. He walked towards me and tried to touch me; but failed. His lips formed a sad smile, and said, "I guess I deserve this. I deserve to lose you. I deserve to feel this pain. This is the price I need to pay for choosing the wrong option. Rest peacefully okay? I love you."
I smiled at him, and the vision of him slowly becomes vague, until he was gone, and I was no longer earth-bounded; I am free.
6 May 2014
"Are you new?" One asked. She was in her mid 40s I'm guessing. She had a very motherly smile on her face, and her hair was tied in a bun. "Yeah, I guess I'm new." I answered her. It's quite amusing that I can still talk to others even now that I'm physically not able.
"How young, what happened?" I chatted with her for a bit. I told her I had an illness called Lupus Erythematosus, which basically means I have a very bad immune system. She said it was a shame that I have to go in such a young age; she said I haven't go through the beautiful things in life. She told me, she died while giving birth to her second child, and up until now it is the only reason why she is still earth-bounded.
"What does that mean?" I asked her in curiosity. "Well, it is when you still can't let go of the things that makes you human, like an un-finished quest. Some people, you see, go straight up there; they don't wander around like we do. It took me awhile to know what my purpose is, but now I know. I guess I'm here to be my kids' guardian angel, and as a mother, it is only natural to want to see them grow up." She explained. "However, I suggest you finish your quest soon, and not stick around here too much. It gets lonely, and sometimes even depressing." She continued. I thanked her and bid her farewell, after all, if that was the case, then, I am here for a reason.
I decided to pay my family a visit, and I quickly regretted it, because my heart broke when I see how my mom still go through my pictures at night and secretly sniffles, and how my brothers are trying to cheer her up. I saw how my dad didn't even want to see my mom because he knows that if he sees her cry, he'll cry as well. Instead, he chose to spend time with my cat, taking care of him like how I would took care of him.
I wandered around the busy streets for a while, just going around, observing the world. It is funny how now I realized that the world that I lived in was. How, they ignore the homeless, how, most people are quick-tempered, and how, some people chose to not care about a situation that maybe, they can help. It somehow made me feel a little bit better about being dead: at least the world that I have left isn't so wonderful anyway.
In front of me, I saw two couples romantically cuddling on a bench at a city park, and that is when it hits me: him. Has he heard of the news? Does he even care? I was supposed to be his ball of sunshine; the person he goes to when everything else is turning dark. That is the best way I can describe myself when it comes to him, yet I know that I was only his second choice. The girl he goes to when his girlfriend is mad at him, or when she doesn't want to take care of him; I was her substitute. But it didn't bother me, because I was in love with him. And at that time, he was the only thing that mattered to me.
When I appeared in his room, I first panicked because I didn't know if he could see me or not. But of course he couldn't after all, we exist in different worlds now, but I guess he just have that effect on me. He was nowhere to be seen though; maybe he's out. This is also my first time entering his room, and it fascinates me. I took my time to take in every detail of his room; even though it doesn't really matter now does it?
He didn't enter the room until the next five minutes, and that was the first time in months since I've last seen him. Our last encounter was in April, where he told me that she doesn't want me to contact him anymore. I asked him, if she makes him happy or not, and he answered with a nod. So that was what I did, I stayed away from him, even though it broke me.
He was talking to someone on the phone, and it didn't sound nice. "You're lying. No." That was the first three words that I heard came out of his mouth. "Don't lie to me, she's not dead." Oh. He just found out. I observed his facial expression, and there was nothing there. He was as emotionless as the body I left in the morgue.
The phone ended a few minutes later, and he immediately threw his phone to the bed. He scratched his head and sat on a chair near the desk. He just sat there, like a statue, and so I decided to do something. I pushed the painting I painted for him a few months before. The movement was sudden, and it shocked him. I then made my favorite shirt of him fall from the dresser. That is when he noticed.
"You're here aren't you?" He asked. I so desperately want to answer, but I have no idea how. "Why did you go? Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell me that you're sick?" he questioned me. "You're so selfish. You left me when I needed you." At that statement I was mad, because I was always there for him, and I left him on his request. So I tossed the painting off the wall.
He took a step back, but he proceeded. "You know why I needed you? I need you because I just realized how much you mean to me. How much your presence actually light up my days. It is not her, it is you." He finished.
My felt my whole body warmed, and far in front of me, I can see the light, and I'm really drawn to it.
"You're even more beautiful as a soul." He said. The statement shocked me, and I just realized that I'm now visible to him. I guess these golden lights around me made that happened. I smiled at him and mouthed thank you. He walked towards me and tried to touch me; but failed. His lips formed a sad smile, and said, "I guess I deserve this. I deserve to lose you. I deserve to feel this pain. This is the price I need to pay for choosing the wrong option. Rest peacefully okay? I love you."
I smiled at him, and the vision of him slowly becomes vague, until he was gone, and I was no longer earth-bounded; I am free.
6 May 2014
A Few Minutes
A few minutes, that's all I need.
I need a few minutes with you.
I want to relive our conversations and memories at one fell swoop.
I want to let my heart beat once more.
I want to resurrect the feelings I had for you.
I want to feel your presence near me.
Just for a few minutes.
Then, I'll let you go again.
I'll let you go back to her.
And I'll once again bereft of life.
22 April 2014
I need a few minutes with you.
I want to relive our conversations and memories at one fell swoop.
I want to let my heart beat once more.
I want to resurrect the feelings I had for you.
I want to feel your presence near me.
Just for a few minutes.
Then, I'll let you go again.
I'll let you go back to her.
And I'll once again bereft of life.
22 April 2014
Realisation
Let go of that rope that you're holding onto so tight.
Let go of it.
And then you'll realize that you're holding onto nothing.
You're just playing with gravity; there is no one else on the other end.
It's just you.
You'll realize that you've bruised your hands for nothing.
You've read all the signs wrong; you've walked on the wrong path.
And you've created your own scenario, with false hope as your foundation.
18 April 2014
Let go of it.
And then you'll realize that you're holding onto nothing.
You're just playing with gravity; there is no one else on the other end.
It's just you.
You'll realize that you've bruised your hands for nothing.
You've read all the signs wrong; you've walked on the wrong path.
And you've created your own scenario, with false hope as your foundation.
18 April 2014
Ambiguous SentimentsWhat I currently feel, I won't show it, and you won't know it.
But know that, whenever I see you, I feel it. No matter how hard I try to remove it, My heart will still be filled by it. And my soul as I know it, is tortured by it. 4 April 2014 |
UnconditionallyTo love unselfishly, is the most beautiful way to love.
And this is the kind of love that I am willing to give to you. To love you unconditionally. In any way that I can, as much as I can, and for as long as I can. Without expecting any in return. 29 March 2014 |
Desperation
As I lay still on this concrete bed, in this white room filled with nothing but objects that are trying keep me from losing consciousness, my mind wanders. And like how the earth orbits around the sun, my mind orbits around you.
I imagined you sitting next to me, talking about things that I would have never, otherwise, thought about. Explaining to me about concepts and theories that enlighten me. And I would pay close attention to you, and how your eyes lit up when you're excited about the topic, or how your face turns into this serious, impassive facial expression when you think. The way you would smile even when you're spacing out, or your stupid cheeky grin whenever you're feeling the slightest bit mischievous.
I close my eyes so that your face would become clearer to me, as that is the only way I can be with you—imagination. And as the darkness surrounds me, I can feel myself become weaker in every passing second.
My body becomes heavier, and I can feel myself slowly detaching from this being I'm imprisoned in.
'What am I supposed to do?' I thought. I want to hold on, I want to survive, so I can at least still see you, and admire you from afar. But at the same time, it kills me every single time whenever I realized that you're not mine to keep. And if I just let go, I'll not feel a thing anymore.
As my heartbeat becomes irregular, I can hear the heart monitor beeps louder, alarming those in charged that I might, after all, leave. Though I don't have the energy to open my eyes, I can feel them panicking, trying to lure me back to existence. And I just let them. As I have no will to decide.
So I just lay there, letting faith and science make the decision for me, because what does life mean, when inside you're lifeless?
25 March 2014
I imagined you sitting next to me, talking about things that I would have never, otherwise, thought about. Explaining to me about concepts and theories that enlighten me. And I would pay close attention to you, and how your eyes lit up when you're excited about the topic, or how your face turns into this serious, impassive facial expression when you think. The way you would smile even when you're spacing out, or your stupid cheeky grin whenever you're feeling the slightest bit mischievous.
I close my eyes so that your face would become clearer to me, as that is the only way I can be with you—imagination. And as the darkness surrounds me, I can feel myself become weaker in every passing second.
My body becomes heavier, and I can feel myself slowly detaching from this being I'm imprisoned in.
'What am I supposed to do?' I thought. I want to hold on, I want to survive, so I can at least still see you, and admire you from afar. But at the same time, it kills me every single time whenever I realized that you're not mine to keep. And if I just let go, I'll not feel a thing anymore.
As my heartbeat becomes irregular, I can hear the heart monitor beeps louder, alarming those in charged that I might, after all, leave. Though I don't have the energy to open my eyes, I can feel them panicking, trying to lure me back to existence. And I just let them. As I have no will to decide.
So I just lay there, letting faith and science make the decision for me, because what does life mean, when inside you're lifeless?
25 March 2014
Part of You
I want to read your book. I want to know about your adventures and your misadventures. I want to know you in depth, more than anyone else. I want to get to know you. I want to understand you.
But at the same time, I don't want to be only a reader. I want to be in your book. I want to be a whole chapter, a significant character, and a shocking turn of event.
Then I realized where I stand in your life. It is nearly impossible for me to be a whole chapter, or a significant character, or a shocking turn of event. I am just a character in a small portion of your book. Even though, you're a whole chapter, a significant character, and a shocking turn of event in my book.
Nevertheless, a little part of me still hope that, even though I'm not a whole chapter, or a significant character, or a shocking turn of event in your book, I can be your favorite part of the book.
So can I be your favorite part of the book?
May I?
Am I?
24 March 2014
But at the same time, I don't want to be only a reader. I want to be in your book. I want to be a whole chapter, a significant character, and a shocking turn of event.
Then I realized where I stand in your life. It is nearly impossible for me to be a whole chapter, or a significant character, or a shocking turn of event. I am just a character in a small portion of your book. Even though, you're a whole chapter, a significant character, and a shocking turn of event in my book.
Nevertheless, a little part of me still hope that, even though I'm not a whole chapter, or a significant character, or a shocking turn of event in your book, I can be your favorite part of the book.
So can I be your favorite part of the book?
May I?
Am I?
24 March 2014
Done |
Compensation |
Fire |
Fragments of yourself are scattered all around
Internalizing the reality that you're no longer one You're done And not even the strongest glue can fix you You're drowned in blue And there is nothing you can do 18 March 2014 |
And so I write,
Because that is the only thing I can do And so I sleep, Because that is the only place where I could feel no sorrow. And so I dream, Because that is the only way we could be one. 17 March 2014 |
You are like a fire
Burning everyone with your desire To be yours is the only thing I aspire But will I be afire? 9 March 2014 |
The Puppeteer
She loved too much and was left astray.
She was trapped in the world of misery and despair.
She was told, the only way out of this desolation was to trade her heart in.
She did, as she was told, little that she knows she was exchanging a lot more than that.
Immediately, she turned cold.
She couldn't feel anything anymore, no sadness, and no happiness, not even love.
She thought to herself, maybe, just maybe this was better than the place she was imprisoned in.
Giving away love but in return, she will only receive disappointments and sorrow.
She was no longer the girl she used to be.
She no longer loves, but she will just receive love, from one guy and another.
Toying with their hearts like how they toyed with hers.
She no longer cares.
She no longer feels.
This world is nothing else but her playground.
And she's the puppeteer.
13 February 2014
She was trapped in the world of misery and despair.
She was told, the only way out of this desolation was to trade her heart in.
She did, as she was told, little that she knows she was exchanging a lot more than that.
Immediately, she turned cold.
She couldn't feel anything anymore, no sadness, and no happiness, not even love.
She thought to herself, maybe, just maybe this was better than the place she was imprisoned in.
Giving away love but in return, she will only receive disappointments and sorrow.
She was no longer the girl she used to be.
She no longer loves, but she will just receive love, from one guy and another.
Toying with their hearts like how they toyed with hers.
She no longer cares.
She no longer feels.
This world is nothing else but her playground.
And she's the puppeteer.
13 February 2014
Porcelain Doll
Why do you do this to me?
Why do you put me in such a morbid place?
Have I not given you enough?
Do I not make you happy?
Why do you constantly hurt me, pushing me towards the edge of a cliff, and force me to hang on for my life?
Does my life even mean anything to you?
Do I mean anything to you?
I'm so tired of constantly putting up with you ignoring me, hurting me, leaving me, like I'm some kind of doll you own.
But what can I do? I gave you my heart and it's only beating for you anyway.
Maybe I should let it all go. Everything.
Maybe I should give you my remains, and turn into this walking corpse without a soul or a heart.
You were the one who gave my life a meaning, and yet you're the one who's putting me into this great abyss of sorrow.
And I can't escape.
I can't escape from you.
I love you.
I don't understand how such a beautiful word can bring me this much misery instead of bliss.
Locked away in this tower of isolation, all I do is wait for you to help me escape from this misery every single night.
Because you bring me happiness, you bring joy to me. But with you it's always temporary, before you leave me again when the sun starts to illuminate this earth's surface.
Maybe this was what Cinderella felt.
She had an opportunity to feel pure love and thrill, yet it will not last. And she knows it'll not last. But she chose to go to the ball anyway, just to feel that temporary bliss.
I don't know how long I can put up with this, because in the end, I'm only human. I'm powerless against the force of time and agony.
I'll crumple down, and my presence will vanish. Forever.
11 February 2014
Why do you put me in such a morbid place?
Have I not given you enough?
Do I not make you happy?
Why do you constantly hurt me, pushing me towards the edge of a cliff, and force me to hang on for my life?
Does my life even mean anything to you?
Do I mean anything to you?
I'm so tired of constantly putting up with you ignoring me, hurting me, leaving me, like I'm some kind of doll you own.
But what can I do? I gave you my heart and it's only beating for you anyway.
Maybe I should let it all go. Everything.
Maybe I should give you my remains, and turn into this walking corpse without a soul or a heart.
You were the one who gave my life a meaning, and yet you're the one who's putting me into this great abyss of sorrow.
And I can't escape.
I can't escape from you.
I love you.
I don't understand how such a beautiful word can bring me this much misery instead of bliss.
Locked away in this tower of isolation, all I do is wait for you to help me escape from this misery every single night.
Because you bring me happiness, you bring joy to me. But with you it's always temporary, before you leave me again when the sun starts to illuminate this earth's surface.
Maybe this was what Cinderella felt.
She had an opportunity to feel pure love and thrill, yet it will not last. And she knows it'll not last. But she chose to go to the ball anyway, just to feel that temporary bliss.
I don't know how long I can put up with this, because in the end, I'm only human. I'm powerless against the force of time and agony.
I'll crumple down, and my presence will vanish. Forever.
11 February 2014
The Way We Happened
It has been about five years since I last saw him in person, and now here he is again. Somehow, fate just keeps on bringing us back together. He has been my first crush in high school, we were close once, but that was it. We were close, but then we grew apart, to the point that we don't even communicate anymore. Although, I must admit that my heart still flutters whenever I see him, and whenever I talk to him my heart just skips a beat.
I never thought I would be in one institution with him anymore, since we took two different majors that led us to two different paths of careers. But here he is again, looking very dashing in that suit and tie.
"Hey, Val you there?" he said, and that snapped me out of my own thoughts. "You're still weird even now eh?" he snickered.
"Hey!" I playfully smack his shoulder, earning a groan as a response. Feeling triumphant I added, "I see you're still an asshole yourself after all these years."
He doesn't have a beer belly anymore; he's not as chubby as he was back in university, but not quite as skinny as he was in high school. Now, his suit hugs his body perfectly, lining the athletic figure he has. I’m pretty sure I gawked at some point. Uh-oh. Has he gotten that attractive?
When I applied to this company I didn’t think I would meet him, let alone having him as my boss. Then again, the thought is pretty sexy. Maybe I should’ve known though, since this is his favorite brand of clothing. Or maybe that is the reason why I joined. I'm not quite sure myself.
"I am not!" he defended. "Tell you what, if you manage to be a very good employee in the next six months, I'll treat you dinner. How about that? I'll cook for you, just like the old times."
I remember that one time during high school. It was raining hard and I couldn’t get home because my house was so far from school. So he offered to keep me company back in his place. I agreed and he cooked me instant noodles and we just ate there at his dining table. It was just instant noodles, but just thinking about the thought that he puts in putting together that noodle made me feel like the happiest girl in the universe. Okay, maybe that was a hyperbole.
I just stared at him. Did that just happened? Why six months though? Yet I can't deny that my heart feels like it is going to pop. I can't believe that I still have feelings for him even now. What do I even like about him? I'm not even sure myself.
"Sure, whatever." I replied. I managed to sound uninterested and I am very much proud of myself. "Great." He replied with his usual cheeky smile. "Oh and one more thing, are you single?"
That question startled me. "Um uh yeah." I blurted. Great now I look like an idiot. "Yeah?" he confirmed. "Yeah." I replied. Why is he asking such a straightforward question? He's like one of the hardest person to figure out.
"Perfect." He grinned and walked away. What was that all about? "By the way," he said half way, "Nice skirt." He stated and proceeds to walk away, leaving me here startled with a stupid smile on my face.
That was it though, that was the start of a new chapter in our life. Everyday he will visit me in my office just to annoy me or poke me, and in turn I will just tease him back. Every single time though, I had to try my hardest to stay cool because I swear my heart feels like it is going to burst into tiny bits and pieces. We went on a few lunches together, and trust me I already feel so grateful to do all those things with him. I didn't expect much, and really I'm half expecting him telling me that he's married or something. So I just savor every moment that I spend with him.
I can't deny though that day by day, I become fonder of his cheeky grin, and how he style himself. Always the fashionable one: Mr. Race Hackford. It becomes clearer to me why I liked him at the first place. I liked him because he was so daring, always so confident, but yet he has that fragile part of him that he tries so hard to hide.
"Hey Val!" he said one day. "Hm?" I answered without even glancing at him. "Look at me when I'm talking to you." He demanded. I sighed and turn my head towards him, man that suit fits him good. "Yes dearest boss?" I teased. He snickered and said, "I told you not to call me that, it's weird. Besides, I'm just your boss because you're new around here. You'll be promoted in no time anyway, or maybe you'll move to another department I don’t know…" he started to ramble. "Dude, I have work to do." I said. Where did that confidence come from?
"Right, okay. Can you accompany me tonight to a wedding party? And uh, pretend to be my girlfriend? Because everybody has a girlfriend there, and I don't want to look lame so… yeah…" he announced. Did he just ask me to be his girlfriend? I mean fake girlfriend?
"What you're not married?" I stupidly questioned. And for that I got a burst of laughter as my answer. "You think I'm married?!" he continued to laughed. "Man you're funny. So tonight is a go or no?"
"Yeah." I answered shortly in order to avoid any excitement on my voice. "Yeah? Great. I'll pick you up at eight." he said as he took off.
I have a date with Race tonight. I have a date with my high school's prom king. I have a date with my high school crush. I. Have. A. Date.
For ten minutes I just sat there, completely ignoring the workload that I have in order to process what just happened. And so in order to prep myself I decided to call my boss. "Hello?" he answered. "Race, I mean boss, I mean, yeah, I'm going to leave early today okay?" I can almost hear him smiling through the phone. "Okay." He replied briefly but I swear I can hear him hide his excitement.
With that I took and quickly go back to chez moi and continue to take a shower, curl my hair, apply make up, do my nails and literally do every little girly thing that I could do in order to look the best that I can be. Then, I picked out my best dress, like literally; I just bought that dress because it was on crazy sale, yet I have never had an event to go to with that. But here it is now, the event has come to present itself upon me.
At eight o'clock sharp I heard a knock in my door. I felt like I'm going to die because of this overwhelming feeling of nervousness and excitement mixed together. Surely, when I open the door, he's there standing, still in a suit, but man he looks more polished than his usual office look. It was cut to precision, bold across the shoulders, gentle lines around the waist, the perfect inverted triangle: black, satin lapels, perfect length, subtle movement, best served with an Aston Martin. Though, his ford focus suits him just fine.
"Wow, you look beautiful." He blurted out. Instinctively I look back, because I feel like he will never compliment me if he's not forced, but then I realized that this is my apartment and I live alone. So, he's actually complimenting ME. "Beautiful? Me? You're talking to me?" I uttered it out foolishly. He laughed and said, "You're adorable. Let's go."
The whole ride I kept on repeating it again and again: "Wow, you look beautiful." "You're adorable." Race Hackford, high school crush, current boss, and current date partner. Everything is happening so fast and I feel like I'm currently dreaming. Like everyone will state that they are living their dream if they are on American Idol perhaps, and I'm just here living my dream just because I'm going on a date with Race. Talk about life choices.
That night was incredibly enchanting for me. It was like I was living in Cinderella's shoes, it feels like when the clock strikes 12, I'll wake up from this dream. He introduced me to all of his friends and his friends also seem to like me. Though I have to constantly remind myself that I'm just pretending to be his girlfriend. Tomorrow I will be his no one again.
On our way home, he made me listen to his playlist. It was full of acoustic songs, combined with rap music. It was so him to be honest, all the jokes, the laughs, the music. The night sky was so dark; it is as if that someone has put a black piece of velvet in the night sky. I'm usually scared of the dark, but
"Valerie." He said in front of my house. I looked at him, just trying to remember his face in every single detail possible. His deep brown eyes hidden by his nerdy glasses, his messy hair, his lips… I wanted to take in every single thing possible at that moment in time; the scent, the environment, and everything.
"Val, I know that we've known each other for a long time now, and I know in the past I was a dick to you. But I want you to know that I've regretted how I treated you in the past. Seeing your picture on my Facebook timeline is the hardest thing in the world you know. It was like seeing what could've been. When I found out that you got employed in the office I felt like God was giving me a second chance, and I knew I said 6 months but I've waited more than five years for another chance. I know I could just send you a Facebook message or something but I was just not brave enough. And tonight has been so surreal for me believe it or not. Having you by my side as my 'girlfriend' just feels right. On top of that you look extremely gorgeous. So um, Val, can you please forgive me and give another chance? Would you let me be yours?" He confessed.
I just stared at him, astonished. Did he just say he wants to be my boyfriend? Is this real? "Can you slap me?" I asked. He laughed but instead of slapping me, he hugged me. "See? I'm real right? You can feel me? Man, you always smell so good, like vanilla. So what do you say? Let's give it a shot yeah?" And I answer him with the only thing that I can manage to say under this condition of absolute shock, "Yeah."
By far this has been the biggest plot twist in my life: Race Hackford and I are now officially a couple. It started out as a crush I had in high school. After all the heartbreaks over him, the pain of seeing him date another girl, the absolute silence we had during our senior year, and now here we are holding hands. After playing his mom at our school play and being very excited only because I got to touch his face, up to the point where I have to pretend that I didn’t exist in his life, and now it all leads to this point.
"Valerie?" he said in front of my apartment door. "Hm?" I replied shyly. "I love you." He said as he unites my lips with his. My eyes closed shut, and for the first time, the darkness doesn't seem as scary as it usually is.
24 January 2014
I never thought I would be in one institution with him anymore, since we took two different majors that led us to two different paths of careers. But here he is again, looking very dashing in that suit and tie.
"Hey, Val you there?" he said, and that snapped me out of my own thoughts. "You're still weird even now eh?" he snickered.
"Hey!" I playfully smack his shoulder, earning a groan as a response. Feeling triumphant I added, "I see you're still an asshole yourself after all these years."
He doesn't have a beer belly anymore; he's not as chubby as he was back in university, but not quite as skinny as he was in high school. Now, his suit hugs his body perfectly, lining the athletic figure he has. I’m pretty sure I gawked at some point. Uh-oh. Has he gotten that attractive?
When I applied to this company I didn’t think I would meet him, let alone having him as my boss. Then again, the thought is pretty sexy. Maybe I should’ve known though, since this is his favorite brand of clothing. Or maybe that is the reason why I joined. I'm not quite sure myself.
"I am not!" he defended. "Tell you what, if you manage to be a very good employee in the next six months, I'll treat you dinner. How about that? I'll cook for you, just like the old times."
I remember that one time during high school. It was raining hard and I couldn’t get home because my house was so far from school. So he offered to keep me company back in his place. I agreed and he cooked me instant noodles and we just ate there at his dining table. It was just instant noodles, but just thinking about the thought that he puts in putting together that noodle made me feel like the happiest girl in the universe. Okay, maybe that was a hyperbole.
I just stared at him. Did that just happened? Why six months though? Yet I can't deny that my heart feels like it is going to pop. I can't believe that I still have feelings for him even now. What do I even like about him? I'm not even sure myself.
"Sure, whatever." I replied. I managed to sound uninterested and I am very much proud of myself. "Great." He replied with his usual cheeky smile. "Oh and one more thing, are you single?"
That question startled me. "Um uh yeah." I blurted. Great now I look like an idiot. "Yeah?" he confirmed. "Yeah." I replied. Why is he asking such a straightforward question? He's like one of the hardest person to figure out.
"Perfect." He grinned and walked away. What was that all about? "By the way," he said half way, "Nice skirt." He stated and proceeds to walk away, leaving me here startled with a stupid smile on my face.
That was it though, that was the start of a new chapter in our life. Everyday he will visit me in my office just to annoy me or poke me, and in turn I will just tease him back. Every single time though, I had to try my hardest to stay cool because I swear my heart feels like it is going to burst into tiny bits and pieces. We went on a few lunches together, and trust me I already feel so grateful to do all those things with him. I didn't expect much, and really I'm half expecting him telling me that he's married or something. So I just savor every moment that I spend with him.
I can't deny though that day by day, I become fonder of his cheeky grin, and how he style himself. Always the fashionable one: Mr. Race Hackford. It becomes clearer to me why I liked him at the first place. I liked him because he was so daring, always so confident, but yet he has that fragile part of him that he tries so hard to hide.
"Hey Val!" he said one day. "Hm?" I answered without even glancing at him. "Look at me when I'm talking to you." He demanded. I sighed and turn my head towards him, man that suit fits him good. "Yes dearest boss?" I teased. He snickered and said, "I told you not to call me that, it's weird. Besides, I'm just your boss because you're new around here. You'll be promoted in no time anyway, or maybe you'll move to another department I don’t know…" he started to ramble. "Dude, I have work to do." I said. Where did that confidence come from?
"Right, okay. Can you accompany me tonight to a wedding party? And uh, pretend to be my girlfriend? Because everybody has a girlfriend there, and I don't want to look lame so… yeah…" he announced. Did he just ask me to be his girlfriend? I mean fake girlfriend?
"What you're not married?" I stupidly questioned. And for that I got a burst of laughter as my answer. "You think I'm married?!" he continued to laughed. "Man you're funny. So tonight is a go or no?"
"Yeah." I answered shortly in order to avoid any excitement on my voice. "Yeah? Great. I'll pick you up at eight." he said as he took off.
I have a date with Race tonight. I have a date with my high school's prom king. I have a date with my high school crush. I. Have. A. Date.
For ten minutes I just sat there, completely ignoring the workload that I have in order to process what just happened. And so in order to prep myself I decided to call my boss. "Hello?" he answered. "Race, I mean boss, I mean, yeah, I'm going to leave early today okay?" I can almost hear him smiling through the phone. "Okay." He replied briefly but I swear I can hear him hide his excitement.
With that I took and quickly go back to chez moi and continue to take a shower, curl my hair, apply make up, do my nails and literally do every little girly thing that I could do in order to look the best that I can be. Then, I picked out my best dress, like literally; I just bought that dress because it was on crazy sale, yet I have never had an event to go to with that. But here it is now, the event has come to present itself upon me.
At eight o'clock sharp I heard a knock in my door. I felt like I'm going to die because of this overwhelming feeling of nervousness and excitement mixed together. Surely, when I open the door, he's there standing, still in a suit, but man he looks more polished than his usual office look. It was cut to precision, bold across the shoulders, gentle lines around the waist, the perfect inverted triangle: black, satin lapels, perfect length, subtle movement, best served with an Aston Martin. Though, his ford focus suits him just fine.
"Wow, you look beautiful." He blurted out. Instinctively I look back, because I feel like he will never compliment me if he's not forced, but then I realized that this is my apartment and I live alone. So, he's actually complimenting ME. "Beautiful? Me? You're talking to me?" I uttered it out foolishly. He laughed and said, "You're adorable. Let's go."
The whole ride I kept on repeating it again and again: "Wow, you look beautiful." "You're adorable." Race Hackford, high school crush, current boss, and current date partner. Everything is happening so fast and I feel like I'm currently dreaming. Like everyone will state that they are living their dream if they are on American Idol perhaps, and I'm just here living my dream just because I'm going on a date with Race. Talk about life choices.
That night was incredibly enchanting for me. It was like I was living in Cinderella's shoes, it feels like when the clock strikes 12, I'll wake up from this dream. He introduced me to all of his friends and his friends also seem to like me. Though I have to constantly remind myself that I'm just pretending to be his girlfriend. Tomorrow I will be his no one again.
On our way home, he made me listen to his playlist. It was full of acoustic songs, combined with rap music. It was so him to be honest, all the jokes, the laughs, the music. The night sky was so dark; it is as if that someone has put a black piece of velvet in the night sky. I'm usually scared of the dark, but
"Valerie." He said in front of my house. I looked at him, just trying to remember his face in every single detail possible. His deep brown eyes hidden by his nerdy glasses, his messy hair, his lips… I wanted to take in every single thing possible at that moment in time; the scent, the environment, and everything.
"Val, I know that we've known each other for a long time now, and I know in the past I was a dick to you. But I want you to know that I've regretted how I treated you in the past. Seeing your picture on my Facebook timeline is the hardest thing in the world you know. It was like seeing what could've been. When I found out that you got employed in the office I felt like God was giving me a second chance, and I knew I said 6 months but I've waited more than five years for another chance. I know I could just send you a Facebook message or something but I was just not brave enough. And tonight has been so surreal for me believe it or not. Having you by my side as my 'girlfriend' just feels right. On top of that you look extremely gorgeous. So um, Val, can you please forgive me and give another chance? Would you let me be yours?" He confessed.
I just stared at him, astonished. Did he just say he wants to be my boyfriend? Is this real? "Can you slap me?" I asked. He laughed but instead of slapping me, he hugged me. "See? I'm real right? You can feel me? Man, you always smell so good, like vanilla. So what do you say? Let's give it a shot yeah?" And I answer him with the only thing that I can manage to say under this condition of absolute shock, "Yeah."
By far this has been the biggest plot twist in my life: Race Hackford and I are now officially a couple. It started out as a crush I had in high school. After all the heartbreaks over him, the pain of seeing him date another girl, the absolute silence we had during our senior year, and now here we are holding hands. After playing his mom at our school play and being very excited only because I got to touch his face, up to the point where I have to pretend that I didn’t exist in his life, and now it all leads to this point.
"Valerie?" he said in front of my apartment door. "Hm?" I replied shyly. "I love you." He said as he unites my lips with his. My eyes closed shut, and for the first time, the darkness doesn't seem as scary as it usually is.
24 January 2014
Answer Me
Every end has a beginning, every beginning has a decision, every decision has a reason, and every reason has a meaning.
Are we nearing our ending? The lack of communication, dates, and meet ups. The lack of I love yous that I hear from you, the lack of affection, and the lack of effort that I feel coming from your side. Is it really okay for you to spend a day without talking to me? Is it easy for you?
We started off cute, with a very unique love story that people rarely see nowadays, and sometime along the way, I made the decision to dedicate myself to you.
Our relationship itself has its own meaning, we gave it a meaning.
We didn't let a petty status to define it; we gave life to it, living it together, hand in hand. We made it work even if the people around us are against even the sole idea of us being together. For months we made it work, but are we nearing our end?
I love you, and you know that I love you. I constantly tell you that I do. I love hearing your voice, I love your cute texts, I love your smile, I love your dimple, I just love you. But that's the problem. I'm the one who constantly tell you that, the only one.
I have to ask you if you do feel the same, I have to ask you in order to reassure myself, and even if I ask you questions, you barely answer them. Is it so hard to express your feelings? Or are the feelings that were once there, vanished?
I'm trying to hold on, I really am. But its getting harder and harder because you're not helping me. You're letting me try all by myself, and I'm getting weaker and tired.
You've grown more and more inconsistent with me. One day you make me feel special, and the next day I feel like I'm nothing. Why? Why are you doing this to me? Am I not giving enough for you? But you have all of me.
Are we nearing our end? Or will we start a new beginning?
Answer me.
13 January 2014
Are we nearing our ending? The lack of communication, dates, and meet ups. The lack of I love yous that I hear from you, the lack of affection, and the lack of effort that I feel coming from your side. Is it really okay for you to spend a day without talking to me? Is it easy for you?
We started off cute, with a very unique love story that people rarely see nowadays, and sometime along the way, I made the decision to dedicate myself to you.
Our relationship itself has its own meaning, we gave it a meaning.
We didn't let a petty status to define it; we gave life to it, living it together, hand in hand. We made it work even if the people around us are against even the sole idea of us being together. For months we made it work, but are we nearing our end?
I love you, and you know that I love you. I constantly tell you that I do. I love hearing your voice, I love your cute texts, I love your smile, I love your dimple, I just love you. But that's the problem. I'm the one who constantly tell you that, the only one.
I have to ask you if you do feel the same, I have to ask you in order to reassure myself, and even if I ask you questions, you barely answer them. Is it so hard to express your feelings? Or are the feelings that were once there, vanished?
I'm trying to hold on, I really am. But its getting harder and harder because you're not helping me. You're letting me try all by myself, and I'm getting weaker and tired.
You've grown more and more inconsistent with me. One day you make me feel special, and the next day I feel like I'm nothing. Why? Why are you doing this to me? Am I not giving enough for you? But you have all of me.
Are we nearing our end? Or will we start a new beginning?
Answer me.
13 January 2014
Uncertainty
The future is never clear is it?
You can never predict the future; all you can really do is try to shape it. And even that is uncertain.
Then, with the uncertainty revolving around us, how do you expect me to be confident that we'll stay together forever? We're not even officially together; there is no contract, no vows, no nothing. If one of us wants to walk away, then just do so, because we are not authorized.
However, how come with every argument that we have, we manage to overcome it and get back to our usual loving self? How come we're still here now? We've been like this for 130 days yet instead of growing apart, we're growing closer to each other.
There are days when I actually thought of ending this, whatever this is. Partly because I'm scared that you will leave me first, and partly because sometimes other guys just treat me better. But I constantly find myself coming back to you.
I'm a sucker for your sweet mouth, your smile, and your touch. My friends said, whenever I saw a message from you, my eyes lit up, just seeing a message from you makes me happy, especially if it is something cute. They said, whenever I talk about you I can go on and on and on and never get bored. Maybe that's just how much I love you.
There are so many questions in my head. Why do you love me? Why do you choose to stay with me? Do you often think of me? Do you miss me? Do I ever cross your mind? You never quite answer them.
Éternellement, selamanya, para siempre, für immer, yongwonhi, sempre. Each of those words means forever, and that is really how I want our future will be. Together forever.
But alas, like I said, the future is uncertain. We, as humans, can only live each day one by one. That is how powerless we are against the almighty force of time. Can we make our days count? Can we make it all worthwhile? Can we survive this?
Can we?
7 January 2014
You can never predict the future; all you can really do is try to shape it. And even that is uncertain.
Then, with the uncertainty revolving around us, how do you expect me to be confident that we'll stay together forever? We're not even officially together; there is no contract, no vows, no nothing. If one of us wants to walk away, then just do so, because we are not authorized.
However, how come with every argument that we have, we manage to overcome it and get back to our usual loving self? How come we're still here now? We've been like this for 130 days yet instead of growing apart, we're growing closer to each other.
There are days when I actually thought of ending this, whatever this is. Partly because I'm scared that you will leave me first, and partly because sometimes other guys just treat me better. But I constantly find myself coming back to you.
I'm a sucker for your sweet mouth, your smile, and your touch. My friends said, whenever I saw a message from you, my eyes lit up, just seeing a message from you makes me happy, especially if it is something cute. They said, whenever I talk about you I can go on and on and on and never get bored. Maybe that's just how much I love you.
There are so many questions in my head. Why do you love me? Why do you choose to stay with me? Do you often think of me? Do you miss me? Do I ever cross your mind? You never quite answer them.
Éternellement, selamanya, para siempre, für immer, yongwonhi, sempre. Each of those words means forever, and that is really how I want our future will be. Together forever.
But alas, like I said, the future is uncertain. We, as humans, can only live each day one by one. That is how powerless we are against the almighty force of time. Can we make our days count? Can we make it all worthwhile? Can we survive this?
Can we?
7 January 2014
The Curse
For others, it may be a dream to be wanted, looked upon, and be effortlessly alluring.
To be able to have so much control on any guy her heart desires.
For others, to be impeccable will merely be a dream come true.
But it is not.
It is not a dream.
It is not something to aim for.
It is the exact opposite.
It feels like the world is looking at you, but at the same time it feels like you're invisible.
The world is watching your every move: who you're last seen with, your social accounts, what you're wearing…
All eyes are constantly on you, judging you, and it feels like you have no privacy.
But at the same time, your status and your physique tend to distract everyone around you from your true self.
Making you feel distressingly masked.
Nobody knows who you really are; they all collectively agreed on this image that they think suits you best.
And the guys?
The truth is, you can turn their heads but never their hearts.
You will never find true love.
It is not a blessing.
It is a curse.
2 January 2014
To be able to have so much control on any guy her heart desires.
For others, to be impeccable will merely be a dream come true.
But it is not.
It is not a dream.
It is not something to aim for.
It is the exact opposite.
It feels like the world is looking at you, but at the same time it feels like you're invisible.
The world is watching your every move: who you're last seen with, your social accounts, what you're wearing…
All eyes are constantly on you, judging you, and it feels like you have no privacy.
But at the same time, your status and your physique tend to distract everyone around you from your true self.
Making you feel distressingly masked.
Nobody knows who you really are; they all collectively agreed on this image that they think suits you best.
And the guys?
The truth is, you can turn their heads but never their hearts.
You will never find true love.
It is not a blessing.
It is a curse.
2 January 2014
Midnight Misery
All the lovebirds are set to fly, leaving one to rot and die.
All these attention will go in vain, as it only feels like the passing rain.
Temporary distractions come and go, leading to none other than mistaken love.
The path upon you turns dark, as the emptiness leaves a mark.
You look around and see everyone has found their happiness, yet you’re stuck here with your own bitterness.
You wonder if someone will be there to rescue you, only to realize that it will never happen on cue.
You lay still in the darkness covered in battle wounds, wondering if your life is finally doomed.
Nothing else is left but to hope for the darkness to consume you and bring you to a place of eternity, a place where you will no longer feel this misery.
19 December 2013
All these attention will go in vain, as it only feels like the passing rain.
Temporary distractions come and go, leading to none other than mistaken love.
The path upon you turns dark, as the emptiness leaves a mark.
You look around and see everyone has found their happiness, yet you’re stuck here with your own bitterness.
You wonder if someone will be there to rescue you, only to realize that it will never happen on cue.
You lay still in the darkness covered in battle wounds, wondering if your life is finally doomed.
Nothing else is left but to hope for the darkness to consume you and bring you to a place of eternity, a place where you will no longer feel this misery.
19 December 2013
I Love You
I love you, and I can't help but to fall for you.
I can't provide you with the specific time of when these feelings started to grow. It happens gradually, like a dream, before I finally woke up and realize that you've filled my heart.
I never thought that I would fall for anyone anymore; I thought my heart is not capable of doing that, not after everything. I didn’t know that my heart would take another risk.
But it did.
I love you, and I've told you this. Although what you don't know is that I meant it whenever I say it. I sincerely do love you.
I constantly miss you; it is like every time we are apart, my heart longs for you. It wishes to be with the one thing that keeps it beating, although it knows that you will also be the one stops it.
I have been trying to deny these feelings for a while now, but alas, my feelings for you are stronger than my will to protect myself.
I just can't help but to adore that smile of yours, and your tall, slender posture. I love hearing your voice, especially in the morning, because the rawness of your voice is just pure bliss.
I love how my hand and yours fit perfectly, like gloves, and I love how you gently caress my skin whenever I'm in your arms. It just feels lovely.
On top of all, I just love the way you talk to me. You have a sweet mouth I must say, and I am such a sucker for that. Every time you call me with one of your cute nicknames, my heart just skips a beat.
I am aware that I am in such dangerous position, because I've given you my heart along with the power to either protect it or kill it. But there is nothing I can do about it anymore. So here I am, writing to you, in the hopes that you might one day read it, and realize how much you really mean to me.
Because to me, at this moment, you're my everything.
27 October 2013
I can't provide you with the specific time of when these feelings started to grow. It happens gradually, like a dream, before I finally woke up and realize that you've filled my heart.
I never thought that I would fall for anyone anymore; I thought my heart is not capable of doing that, not after everything. I didn’t know that my heart would take another risk.
But it did.
I love you, and I've told you this. Although what you don't know is that I meant it whenever I say it. I sincerely do love you.
I constantly miss you; it is like every time we are apart, my heart longs for you. It wishes to be with the one thing that keeps it beating, although it knows that you will also be the one stops it.
I have been trying to deny these feelings for a while now, but alas, my feelings for you are stronger than my will to protect myself.
I just can't help but to adore that smile of yours, and your tall, slender posture. I love hearing your voice, especially in the morning, because the rawness of your voice is just pure bliss.
I love how my hand and yours fit perfectly, like gloves, and I love how you gently caress my skin whenever I'm in your arms. It just feels lovely.
On top of all, I just love the way you talk to me. You have a sweet mouth I must say, and I am such a sucker for that. Every time you call me with one of your cute nicknames, my heart just skips a beat.
I am aware that I am in such dangerous position, because I've given you my heart along with the power to either protect it or kill it. But there is nothing I can do about it anymore. So here I am, writing to you, in the hopes that you might one day read it, and realize how much you really mean to me.
Because to me, at this moment, you're my everything.
27 October 2013
Complications.
I love her. I do. Or at least I think so.
She's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. I immediately check my phone just in case there are some unread texts or maybe a good morning message from her, and if there aren't any, I send my own good morning message for her.
She's also the last thing on my mind before I go to bed. At the moment when I put my phone down, a little after we exchange our good night messages, the thought of her still lingers on my mind. The thought of her warm smile usually sends me to slumber, where I reunite with her again in my dreams.
During the day we usually don't have time to meet each other. Our classes don't match, and we don't hang out with the same group of friends. The best-case scenario is that we bump into each other and we exchange our greetings.
She once told me that she's not ready to date to which I told her that I also am not ready to date. That was before though, before this.
This thing we have it just feels so surreal. I constantly miss her, I always look forward to nighttime, so that I can converse with her, and being with her just feels right. But what is this?
I'm not sure if she genuinely loves me or is this just a play for her. For all I know maybe I'm just a tool to fill in her time. Maybe during the time that she talks to me, she's also talking with another guy that she sincerely likes. These thoughts are killing me if I can be honest.
On the other hand, do I really want to have a girlfriend at this present time? Do I? It's just the first semester of the college year, and I'm just beginning to feel comfortable with my friends. If I have a girlfriend, it means I have to divide my time between her and them.
At the same time though, we're doing a pretty good job. We only spend time with each other if we have a spare time, and I guess this makes us savor our time together. If we don't have time, we usually make it up with a phone call or Skype video call. This thing we have is just very comfortable.
Sometimes, I just want to call her mine, officially. It's just my fear of rejection and my fear of losing my friends keeps on getting in the way. I hate myself for not being able to make a decision. If we keep on maintaining this, then, she might slip away from me, for good.
In the back of my mind, I know that we can't stay like this forever. In the end, we have to choose, between being an official couple or go our separate ways. The thought terrifies me, but I always brush it away because I feel like it won't be any time soon. Though it might.
Deep down, I know we're meant to be, after all her tiny fingers just fits in mine perfectly. But I guess with all these complications, time will be the one who reveals all, and I just hope that by the time that comes, I will have her in my arms. Maybe.
25 October 2013
She's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. I immediately check my phone just in case there are some unread texts or maybe a good morning message from her, and if there aren't any, I send my own good morning message for her.
She's also the last thing on my mind before I go to bed. At the moment when I put my phone down, a little after we exchange our good night messages, the thought of her still lingers on my mind. The thought of her warm smile usually sends me to slumber, where I reunite with her again in my dreams.
During the day we usually don't have time to meet each other. Our classes don't match, and we don't hang out with the same group of friends. The best-case scenario is that we bump into each other and we exchange our greetings.
She once told me that she's not ready to date to which I told her that I also am not ready to date. That was before though, before this.
This thing we have it just feels so surreal. I constantly miss her, I always look forward to nighttime, so that I can converse with her, and being with her just feels right. But what is this?
I'm not sure if she genuinely loves me or is this just a play for her. For all I know maybe I'm just a tool to fill in her time. Maybe during the time that she talks to me, she's also talking with another guy that she sincerely likes. These thoughts are killing me if I can be honest.
On the other hand, do I really want to have a girlfriend at this present time? Do I? It's just the first semester of the college year, and I'm just beginning to feel comfortable with my friends. If I have a girlfriend, it means I have to divide my time between her and them.
At the same time though, we're doing a pretty good job. We only spend time with each other if we have a spare time, and I guess this makes us savor our time together. If we don't have time, we usually make it up with a phone call or Skype video call. This thing we have is just very comfortable.
Sometimes, I just want to call her mine, officially. It's just my fear of rejection and my fear of losing my friends keeps on getting in the way. I hate myself for not being able to make a decision. If we keep on maintaining this, then, she might slip away from me, for good.
In the back of my mind, I know that we can't stay like this forever. In the end, we have to choose, between being an official couple or go our separate ways. The thought terrifies me, but I always brush it away because I feel like it won't be any time soon. Though it might.
Deep down, I know we're meant to be, after all her tiny fingers just fits in mine perfectly. But I guess with all these complications, time will be the one who reveals all, and I just hope that by the time that comes, I will have her in my arms. Maybe.
25 October 2013
Us.
People often wonder, how we end up together. After all, we both came from two different worlds; we have two different personalities, and two different groups of friends. With all the odds against us, it really does seem impossible for us to become lovers.
Lovers.
That may or may not be the perfect term to portray us. I personally don't even know what we are, and we never really have one definite term to describe… well… us. But I guess we are a bit of everything.
We are best friends.
We can talk about absolutely anything to each other, how our day goes, our thoughts, troubles, or just our stupid dreams of the future. We have nothing to hide because we are both very honest to one another, and it feels good to be able to be truly yourself.
We are lovers.
We tell each other sweet stuff every night, giving each other cute nicknames, and declare our love to one another. We hug, we cuddle, and we kiss. When our fingers intertwine, everything just fits perfectly. We fit each other perfectly.
We are a teenage couple.
We bicker about the most insignificant things. We get jealous of one another. We constantly need to explain to one another why we're with this person instead of being with each other. We miss each other during the day and look forward for the nighttime, where we're both free to talk. We throw cheesy pickup lines to one another and to say it frankly, it never gets old.
We are an old couple.
We don't need to spend every single time we have with one another, because we know we are each other's. We trust each other like we've been together our whole life. We bicker like an old couple too, but we resolve it maturely. Instead of winning an argument, we try to find a middle ground, and just like that, we are in each other's arms again.
Our differences complete us instead of destroying us. We're like magnets; we might be the opposites but we attract one another. We might be two different individuals, but together; we are one.
21 October 2013
Lovers.
That may or may not be the perfect term to portray us. I personally don't even know what we are, and we never really have one definite term to describe… well… us. But I guess we are a bit of everything.
We are best friends.
We can talk about absolutely anything to each other, how our day goes, our thoughts, troubles, or just our stupid dreams of the future. We have nothing to hide because we are both very honest to one another, and it feels good to be able to be truly yourself.
We are lovers.
We tell each other sweet stuff every night, giving each other cute nicknames, and declare our love to one another. We hug, we cuddle, and we kiss. When our fingers intertwine, everything just fits perfectly. We fit each other perfectly.
We are a teenage couple.
We bicker about the most insignificant things. We get jealous of one another. We constantly need to explain to one another why we're with this person instead of being with each other. We miss each other during the day and look forward for the nighttime, where we're both free to talk. We throw cheesy pickup lines to one another and to say it frankly, it never gets old.
We are an old couple.
We don't need to spend every single time we have with one another, because we know we are each other's. We trust each other like we've been together our whole life. We bicker like an old couple too, but we resolve it maturely. Instead of winning an argument, we try to find a middle ground, and just like that, we are in each other's arms again.
Our differences complete us instead of destroying us. We're like magnets; we might be the opposites but we attract one another. We might be two different individuals, but together; we are one.
21 October 2013
This.
“This is where we end.” I told him.
Over the past few months, I’ve been close to him. We share everything together; thoughts, secrets, dream. We go on little cute dates where our hands intertwine and our hearts beat as one. There is no doubt that we have feelings for each other. Though, we never really became official.
“Why?” He questioned me. “We agreed on this… this thing we have. Whatever this is.”
We act like a couple. We share late night talks, we fall asleep together, we share cute little kisses together. None of this is an item of the public though. The public can never know about us, they shall never know.
“Her. I don’t want to share you. I know that we’re not an item, we’re not official, but I don’t want to share you. Before its too late, I want to end this. I want to end whatever this is. If I fall deeper for you, it’ll hurt me more; it’ll kill me.” I felt a tear drop.
He approached me, wanting to hug me, but I move away.
“No. Don’t. This is where we end. There will be no more us. No more honesty hours, no more lovey-dovey hours, nothing. Just be with her for all I care.”
I lied. I do care. It hurts me whenever I hear her name. Whenever I see her with him, or whenever I see her name on his phone. It kills me bit by bit, and I am determined to stop it before I am completely murdered.
Flashbacks of how we first met rushed through my mind. When I first saw him in the football field, just sitting there with a cigarette on his hand, quietly observing his friends play. He saw me staring and smiled at me, inviting me to join him.
I turn my back away from him, wanting to walk away; away from him, away from pain, and away from sadness. My heart felt numb, because I just walked away from the one person that keeps it beating.
“Hey.” I felt the warmth of his body against mine, his heart beating against my back, and his chin resting on my shoulder. “This is where it starts.” He turned me around facing him, and locks his lips against mine. “I love you, I choose you.”
10 October 2013
Over the past few months, I’ve been close to him. We share everything together; thoughts, secrets, dream. We go on little cute dates where our hands intertwine and our hearts beat as one. There is no doubt that we have feelings for each other. Though, we never really became official.
“Why?” He questioned me. “We agreed on this… this thing we have. Whatever this is.”
We act like a couple. We share late night talks, we fall asleep together, we share cute little kisses together. None of this is an item of the public though. The public can never know about us, they shall never know.
“Her. I don’t want to share you. I know that we’re not an item, we’re not official, but I don’t want to share you. Before its too late, I want to end this. I want to end whatever this is. If I fall deeper for you, it’ll hurt me more; it’ll kill me.” I felt a tear drop.
He approached me, wanting to hug me, but I move away.
“No. Don’t. This is where we end. There will be no more us. No more honesty hours, no more lovey-dovey hours, nothing. Just be with her for all I care.”
I lied. I do care. It hurts me whenever I hear her name. Whenever I see her with him, or whenever I see her name on his phone. It kills me bit by bit, and I am determined to stop it before I am completely murdered.
Flashbacks of how we first met rushed through my mind. When I first saw him in the football field, just sitting there with a cigarette on his hand, quietly observing his friends play. He saw me staring and smiled at me, inviting me to join him.
I turn my back away from him, wanting to walk away; away from him, away from pain, and away from sadness. My heart felt numb, because I just walked away from the one person that keeps it beating.
“Hey.” I felt the warmth of his body against mine, his heart beating against my back, and his chin resting on my shoulder. “This is where it starts.” He turned me around facing him, and locks his lips against mine. “I love you, I choose you.”
10 October 2013
Memory.
I love her.
But what should I do? She's slipping away from me, little by little. Entering a world without any light, just pure darkness.
She told me, I was the best thing that happened to her, but it is time to part ways, before the happiness ends.
She told me, no one can be happy forever. Eternal happiness is a myth. Even though her lips were forming those words, her eyes were telling something different. It reflected pain.
I was confused. She told me, she was happy with me, but why did she want us to part? It didn't make any sense.
“Don't do this.” I told her.
“If you love me, you'd let me go.” She said softly.
I looked into her hazel eyes; “Why?” I kept asking her the same question over and over again, demanding an answer. But she just walked away from me.
“Answer me!” My tone became higher.
She turned back, tears flushed down her eyes.
“Because I have an eraser in my mind. What is love when the memory is gone?” She answered.
I just stared at her.
“I was diagnosed with a rare disease. Alzheimer. Didn't you notice? I couldn't find my way back home, I can't remember your birthday, I don't even know my own phone number. My memory will be gone one by one. I wouldn't even know why you were with me at the first place. I wouldn't know how we started, I wouldn't know where we had our first date, our anniversary date, I wouldn't know anything. You'll be gone out of my head, and so will I. As my memory disappears, my soul will disappear too.” She broke down. “I'm scared. I'm really scared.”
I hugged her and told her that I will remember everything for her. When she starts to forget, I'll pop out of nowhere and we could start fresh again, like a permanent date.
But that was 1 year ago.
Now, everything becomes reality. The girl that I love lives in a small white room, with a view that overlooks the beach. A place we once wanted to build our house on.
She doesn't greet me by my name anymore, instead, she will say “Do I know you?”.
A memory is just a memory. As a human, I'm powerless if I were to face fate.
Though her memories are disappearing, and I might not be in her head anymore, I believe that nothing will break us apart. Her and I, we're a part of each other. Nothing, not even destiny could tear us a part.
I love her, and I always will.
21 July 2013
But what should I do? She's slipping away from me, little by little. Entering a world without any light, just pure darkness.
She told me, I was the best thing that happened to her, but it is time to part ways, before the happiness ends.
She told me, no one can be happy forever. Eternal happiness is a myth. Even though her lips were forming those words, her eyes were telling something different. It reflected pain.
I was confused. She told me, she was happy with me, but why did she want us to part? It didn't make any sense.
“Don't do this.” I told her.
“If you love me, you'd let me go.” She said softly.
I looked into her hazel eyes; “Why?” I kept asking her the same question over and over again, demanding an answer. But she just walked away from me.
“Answer me!” My tone became higher.
She turned back, tears flushed down her eyes.
“Because I have an eraser in my mind. What is love when the memory is gone?” She answered.
I just stared at her.
“I was diagnosed with a rare disease. Alzheimer. Didn't you notice? I couldn't find my way back home, I can't remember your birthday, I don't even know my own phone number. My memory will be gone one by one. I wouldn't even know why you were with me at the first place. I wouldn't know how we started, I wouldn't know where we had our first date, our anniversary date, I wouldn't know anything. You'll be gone out of my head, and so will I. As my memory disappears, my soul will disappear too.” She broke down. “I'm scared. I'm really scared.”
I hugged her and told her that I will remember everything for her. When she starts to forget, I'll pop out of nowhere and we could start fresh again, like a permanent date.
But that was 1 year ago.
Now, everything becomes reality. The girl that I love lives in a small white room, with a view that overlooks the beach. A place we once wanted to build our house on.
She doesn't greet me by my name anymore, instead, she will say “Do I know you?”.
A memory is just a memory. As a human, I'm powerless if I were to face fate.
Though her memories are disappearing, and I might not be in her head anymore, I believe that nothing will break us apart. Her and I, we're a part of each other. Nothing, not even destiny could tear us a part.
I love her, and I always will.
21 July 2013